Day 1: She's Here!

The wait has finally over. She's here! After ten years, we finally made it. It was a bit awkward at first, but then the ice was broken within a second. Her plane landed on schedule, I got to the airport just in time as she walked out the arrivals gate. We hugged tightly and for a moment it felt like a dream. We bumped into two European guys who looked completely out of place on our way; one is here to work at the Cirque de Soleil, the other is on working holiday visa. Soon they joined the two of us and I helped them with their travel route.

We took buses and tram to get to my place. She cooked me some eggs for a brief lunch. With her being exhausted after twenty-seven hours of travel -- from Portland to San Fransisco to Shanghai, then Melbourne -- we stayed home after we went out to do some groceries and had an early dinner. Oh, we also had some kangaroo steak. The meat was... chewy. I don't think I fancy the meal, imagining a cute kangaroo... That would be the first and last I ever eat kangaroo meat. I, then, called Mum and introduced her to my entire family, even to my one-year-old nephew. She's passed out now. Soon I'll be gone to sleep as well. Pretty much enthusiastic for tomorrow's NYE. 

 Oh, and she bought me some gifts, too. 

Until next post.

In 2015, I Will...

Credited to a colleague

I still can't sleep. So I'm just going to write some more.

Have you seen The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? You should if you haven't. It's a great and inspiring movie. Watching the movie make me think about what I have and have not done in my life.

"To see the world, things dangerous to come,
to see behind walls, draw closer,
to find each other, and to feel.
That is the purpose of life." - Walter Mitty

The quote still lingers in my head. To be honest, it's the things that I don't dare to do that bothers me. I don't dare to see the world, to face the dangerous things to come in order to do so. I don't dare to find what's behind walls and it pulls me away.

With the year approaching to the end, everyone seems to be listing their resolutions. I've been pondering if I should list a New Year's resolution. I'm not a fan of it, mostly because I'm too lazy to give it a thought. But then, after watching the movie, I realised I've been giving too much of a thought of useless shit that don't do me any good. This time I think I could really use a list of resolution for the year ahead. It could probably get me to sleep, anyway.

So, here is my 2015's resolution:

In 2015, I will GRADUATE.
In 2015, I will BE MORE GRATEFUL.
In 2015, I will GET BETTER.
In 2015, I will WORRY LESS.
In 2015, I will ENJOY MY LIFE THE WAY I WISH.
In 2015, I will FIND A BETTER JOB.
In 2015, I will TREAT MYSELF FOR ALL MY HARDOWRK.
In 2015, I will HAVE A TRIP SOMEWHERE.
In 2015, I will DEFINITELY GO TO STEREOSONIC.
In 2015, I will RAVE.
In 2015, I will READ MORE BOOKS.
In 2015, I will RE-CONNECT WITH PEOPLE.
In 2015, I will SET MYSELF FREE.

That, indeed, will be my reminder for the coming year. I will always come back to this. This should be a good vibe to start a new year. And hopefully this wouldn't be 2016's resolution. Right?

Until next post.

P.s. I'm writing this post while listening to the soundtrack of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Good songs.

Counting the Hours

Christmas has passed. Turned out my second Christmas was just the same as last year; I stayed at home and slept in, cooked some meals, ate, watched some movies, called Mum, and then back to sleep. I was going to open a bottle Smirnoff Ice -- the weather seemed perfect for a beer -- that I've been keeping in the fridge, but I had an upset stomach. So, I decided against it and keep the beer for next time.

Boxing Day was the day after Christmas. It's similar to Black Friday in the US; big shopping day, big discounts (although, I reckon the price wasn't so cheap). Every single shopping center was overcrowded. People were cramped inside the building, elbowing their way to fill in their carts like predators hunting for the same prey. I was one of them, although I was less enthusiastic. I went to a shopping center that was less crowded, walking around mindlessly with no particular need to buy anything. After forty-five minutes I walked out the store with a bag in my hand. I bought me a pair of sandal, 5 pieces of panties (hipster cut), and a pair of bikini. Yes, I bought a bikini and I'll wear it to the beach. As Q said when I told her I got a pair of bikini, "good, so we can go to the beach as soon as I get there."

Or maybe not.

Speaking of Q (I really need to find her a better name, don't I?). She's on the plane from Shanghai as I'm typing this. Her plane is going to touch down by 10 o'clock in the morning. I'm going to pick her up at the airport, and I'm such a nervous wreck right now. It must be from the excitement of meeting her for the first time. But it's a good nervous I'm feeling and a good panick attack I'm having. I spent the day cleaning up my room and the entire apartment. I did my laundry, changed the sheet and everything. Housemate is out on a trip since before Christmas, so we're going to have the place by ourselves for a little while, at least. I've checked online the arrival time and the gate number she'll be coming in from, and I'm going to stand there waiting for her. Also, I've planned my trip to the airport and back with PTV Journey Planner. I got everything scheduled on my phone. It's very OCD of me, I know.

I should have gone to bed by now because I have to wake up early in the morning to get ready. But I'm too excited, like a kid having too much sugar. Guess I'll wait a bit.

Until next post. 

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

It's Christmas Eve.

This is my second Christmas in Melbourne. Soon the year of 2014 will come to an end and we'll welcome the 2015. How fast time flies...

"Christmas is a time when you get homesick — even when you're home." -Carol Nelson

Holidays always make me feel homesick. I picture my little hometown in time like this. The street and houses must be filled with colorful, flashing lights. Christmas songs fill the air, bringing the smell of holiday. People are busy preparing for the festive season; decorating Christmas trees, cooking lots of food, making pastries, buying new clothes, pimp up their looks.

I remember, years ago, I would come home on school break, celebrating the Christmas and New Year with my family. Weeks before the holiday, my uncle, being a great cook he is, would be busy decorating the Christmas tree at our house, making pastries (some were for us, the others were for people's orders), and I would help him in the kitchen. On the 25th we would have an open house for most friends and relatives to come visit and have a meal. Mum would be busy attending the guests, while me and my brothers, well, we would be certainly busy eating all the food and drinking the soft drinks. When Grandma was still alive, she would slip a red envelope in my and my brothers' hands with some money in it. Angpao. Although, I knew she barely had money left and no matter how many times I refused to take it, she would always insist. You can save it for something useful, she would say.

Admittedly, I miss all those things. I miss it so badly that it hurts.

Christmas is slightly dull here. Maybe it's because I'm celebrating the holiday by myself. I mean, I have my friends and all here but it still feels different. The spirit is different, I just can tell. I don't have any plan for Christmas. I'd probably end up staying at home, cleaning my room and preparing for Q's arrival. Or maybe, I'd go to the city and visit Tab at work and have an impromptu Christmas celebration at her workplace. We'll see.

In spite of my dull Christmas, I'd like to wish you a very Merry Christmas.

"May you have the gladness of Christmas which is hope;
The spirit of Christmas which is peace;
The heart of Christmas which is love." -Ada V. Hendricks

 Until next post.

Nana's Graduation

Yesterday was Nana's graduation day. Along with the other 6,600 graduands, she celebrated the graduation held at Etihad Stadium. I was there as a Stage Marshal, being part of the ceremony staff and therefore I was able to celebrate the moment with her. Her parents couldn't make it to the ceremony but her godfather was there for her, too.

Having be able to complete her study of Master of Engineering in Telecommunication and Network Engineering (whatever it is), must be such an accomplishment for her. She's admitted the degree with distinction and that somehow makes me so proud of her. I really am happy for her. Although, at the same time I'm a little sad because starting next semester I wouldn't have my study buddy. We used to stay at the postgraduate lounge until late at night to study; me doing whatever it was that is related to accounting and her doing journals or assignment reports. There were days and even weekends we spent at the lounge to study. But granted, I still am happy and excited for her.

It was my first time attending a graduation ceremony. The ceremony was grandiose. Held at the biggest stadium in Australia, along with around 25,000 attendants that evening, I witnessed the unforgettable memory of all graduands and their families. It was such a colorful night, with red and white color lights dominated the ceremony (that's my university's colors). There was a moving main stage at the center of the field for PhD graduands, filled with bright lights. There were also 14 stages for Diploma, Bachelor and Master students, one for each discipline (I was stationed at Stage F) surrounding the main stage. The ceremony started with PhD graduands, Academics and the Chancellor entering the field, walking on a red carpet. Followed by speeches, recognitions -- where the graduands receive their testamurs -- and then an after party.

With all the glorious nuance, I couldn't help but feeling excited for them all. Although, I reckoned half of the graduands clearly have no idea of what they're going to do after graduate. But it was a night to celebrate after years of hardworking and suffering. I also bumped into some other friends and acquaintances who were graduating last night. After the ceremony, I was out of duty and fled to meet with Air and congratulate her. We took pictures and celebrated a bit. I was invited for a party with some other friends afterwards but I was exhausted and decided to go home.

I now know what to expect when my own graduation comes next year. There was a little thought of how amazing it would be if I could be one of the Honorable Doctorate graduands. I imagine how proud Mum would be of me, seeing her only daughter getting honored. I'd definitely dedicate my speech for her. Well, it's not totally impossible but it might takes a very, very long time. Master program itself is a really bumpy road already. I just can't wait to graduate. Yet, until then, I still have another year to go. Another semester to battle on.

Until next post.

A Girl That I Met

After giving it a thought for several days and yet I still couldn't come up with any idea of costume, I might as well play the no-show card. Which means I'm not going to the housewarming party. Hence, I have to face the Judgement Day, explaining why I ditch the party. My excuse would be because I have another work to do. Well, that's the truth. Partially. Another excuse would be because I hate costume party. But of course I can't tell the manager that, can I?

Like I said, I suck at this. I'd rather stay at home, snuggling on my bed and catching up on Orphan Black. Or reading a book would be preferable. Too bad I have to work, though. But even work seems more enjoyable than that party.

You might get the impression of how nerdy I am. Or introverted. Truth is that's just who I am. It's not that I'm completely an outcast. I do enjoy socialize sometimes. But I'd prefer small group to socialize with. I feel more comfortable being in a small group. Suffice to say that I don't have many friends but I do have a handful of group of people that I call 'close friends'.

I remember Dad used to call me an anti-social. He often said it at my face that somehow, at some point, I believed it. But now I realised that he was wrong, that it's all a matter of choice. I have freedom to choose when I want to go out and hang out with my friends or when I want to stay at home and being alone. Like many months ago I used to go party at clubs or going out having drinks with friends every weekend. I even went to some social events held by a social group from MeetUp, attending gay parties and meeting new people. And from there I got to know a handful of people who I stay in touch with.

Admittedly, I did enjoy the partying, clubbing, drinking, raving, and socialising. But it's not something that I want to do at regular basis. Yet it's the thing that I need to do only for once in a while. That way I can actually feel the excitement. Otherwise, I'd get easily bored. No, I'd get tired of it. Not to mention it's weighed financially. Drinks are really, really expensive here. Even if I'm lightweight, I still could spend at minimum 30 bucks just for a couple of drinks. Also, not to mention that I'm not as young as I was 3 or 4 years ago. Getting closer to the end of 20's, I need at least three days to recover after partying all night.

During that time, where I used to be out a lot, I met a girl at one of the social events. I actually met her the first time at a club, and she happened to be a member of the group I recently joined in. She's 2 or 3 years younger than me, all energetic, a dancer with killer moves, a reader and writer (though I've never read any of her writings and would love to read one), and she's also interested in self-development. She knows a lot of things, always acts freely and even enjoys to do things that she loves by herself. We've met up a couple of times outside the group. One time she took me to this western karaoke bar at China Town. The place was well hidden and I assumed not many people know about it. I was amazed that she knows of such place and that she told me she used to go to that place by herself just so she can sing. FYI, western karaoke style is where you sing on a stage in front of other people. I would never have the guts to do that.

She seems a nice girl and really could be a good friend. I much appreciated her effort to talk to me and to want to know me. I know that she's such a good and caring person from her intention to introduce me to her 'business friends' although she barely knows much yet about me (but then something got in the way and I couldn't make it). Like I said, we've just met. Much to my appreciation, I'd like to befriend her. It'd be lovely to know more about her, too.

But that has to wait. 

After the many months of being out a lot, I feel the need to be alone for a little while. I know that this has been at least three weeks since the last time we talked and I haven't made any effort to show her my intention of befriending her. But I need a little more time while I'm trying to get better. Mentally. The last thing I want is for her to see how effed up I've been for the past couple of months. I'm working this out, real slow, I know. But I'm getting there.

I've been keeping a mental note to text her to ask her for a catch up over a cup of coffee or a meal. I sticked the note on my brain, so my mind can always read it. It's hanging on the back of my mind now.  And I will, one day, get back to her when I'm ready. Hopefully, by the time, she won't resent me.

Ah, it feels so good to let this out of my chest. And head.

Until next post.

A Costume Idea

I AM IN DIRE NEED OF HELP!

This is very, very urgent. Within less than two weeks I have to find a costume to wear. Here is why; my dearly manager at work is throwing out a housewarming party and guess what, it's a bloody costume party where everyone has to wear a bloody costume. Oh, never mind if I say she's a dear. She really isn't. As a matter of fact, she's a pain in the neck. Not always but most of the time. Really.

Let me get this right and tell you briefly about the manager as kindly as I can. She's the kind of person with dark days in the past, all toughen up with a daring personality - if not reckless, affection-less, short-tempered, troubled, and thinks that everyone else is some lucky bastard for having better education or better career or even better life than her. If you're one of the lucky bastards, well, don't dream of being in her inner circle friends. That, however, shouldn't be much of a problem if she can manage herself to be well-behaved at work. Most of the time she couldn't and that's when work becomes hell.

It's not all bad about her, though. For one, she's a caring person. Although, it'd be nicer of her if she's more ears to listen to us and not just telling us off and wanted to be heard. Because affection would be too much for her, even just for a teeny tiny bit. And... what else? I'm running out of good words to tell you about her good deeds. Sad but true.

Oh! Actually, for one time she took me to her apartment that she's sharing with another workmate and let me sleep in her bed, on her side of the bed. No, no. It's not like what you think it is. The story behind it is it was when we all went to a get-together party (and yes, it was, too, a themed party and we have to wear anything floral) and I got way too drunk. I crashed out and that's it. End of the story.

Indeed, that is one good deed of her and one big owe for me.

Snap, snap! Back to the costume. Here is another thing about her: she always gets her way. Like, for one, the bloody costume party and making everyone wearing costumes. I cringe every time I hear her say "I'm going to throw a party", because then it would always be a bloody themed party. Just like this housewarming party. So, I repeat, I AM IN DIRE NEED OF HELP FOR IDEA OF WHAT COSTUME SHOULD I PICK.

I really suck at this, you know. The only thing that comes up in my head is a onesie. You know, like the bunny onesie costume? Well, knowing the risk of humiliating myself wearing the costume in public transport to the party, I might as well just die. And I don't want to die just yet, not because of a stupid onesie costume, hence no onesie, what so ever. And no slutty police or nurse costume, either. I put the sexy/slutty police costume picture up there just because... well, just because. I don't know why I put it there, either.

Here I am left with no choice, no idea, no party. The no-show card is going to be played. And surely I'd have to face her, questioning me the big WHY, in her meany and demanding voice, if I flipped up the no-show card. It's going to be like facing the Judgement Day in front of God.

Unless, you could help me with an idea of a costume... of course it'd be really, really appreciated. If not, then please provide me with an excuse for not showing up at the party. It, too, would be greatly appreciated, although it wouldn't lessen my fear for the Judgement Day.

Until next post (and hopefully I'd come up with any idea).

A Fancy Catch-up

For the past few weeks I've done a really good job in isolating myself. You know, I've even found a new hobby which is spending at least an hour every day browsing for books on Goodreads and searching them on the library online catalog. That, and visiting the library to pick up the books. Soon I've created an endless list of books-to-read and innumerably awaiting collection on my library account reservation. The books keep piling up in my room and I've been reading them like I'm being possessed. (Who can resist fiction fantasy, really? And urban fantasy? My goodness, it's my soft spot!) Suffice to say that if I'm actually trying to isolate myself, then I'm doing it in utter excellency.

The thing is I think that the term 'isolating' isn't quite relevant to the fact that I ain't feel isolated at all. As a matter of fact, I'm enjoying it. I enjoy my spending time alone burying my face behind a book or when I go out for a run or even just exercising at home. Yes, I've been politely declining catch-up invitations from friends or postponing on giving them a call to make catch-up plans. But it's not really my intention to avoid them. Somehow I just feel I'm not ready yet to go out and socialising.

Yet, considering my current state of condition, maintaining a good relation with close friends is also important for my wellbeing. That at some point I have to be out there and spending some time socialising. So, I eventually went out and met Nana and Tab on a catch-up dinner. To be honest, though, them two are the only close friends that I have here; friends who know about me more than other people that I've met, befriended or acquainted. Which I'm glad that they're my friends.

So, on Thursday we met at this restaurant called Fancy Hank's at Queen Street. It's inside the Mercat Cross Hotel across Victoria Market. It's a fancy restaurant with an open-rooftop decor and country nuanced with its wooden floor and tables, and very capacious. I really like it there.

And the food is really nice, come with a generous portion and the with affordable price for students. They make a very delicious chips, I swear. Come over in the happy hour, which is from 4-6 pm, and you get 2 drinks for 1. Their kitchen opens from 6 pm, by the way. We ordered mac and cheese and the food that is called Hush Puppies (which turned out to be corn cookies) for starter, then we had chicken brisket with coleslaw salad after. And yup, you eat it straight from the tray. Cool, hey? (Sorry, the chicken brisket was long gone before I remember to take a photo of it.)

We stayed there, talking, until the sun set and it was really beautiful. Oh, and that's Nana's fingers. And that's the Queen Victoria Market. Did you know that the market was built on cemetery? Yes, it's the local urban legend. A hundred-and-thirty years ago the site was a cemetery, which housed the remains of approximately 10,000 early settlers. Shall worry not, the site around the market isn't that creepy at all. On Wednesday nights they have this Night Market held during summer where you can find a lot of food stalls selling innumerable kinds of food. The creepiness is totally overrun by the hunger people.

 

It was starting to get windy and cool after the sun set and I was only wearing shorts and tank-top, so we decided to head home. I should have known better. I mean, it's Melbourne and the weather changes like a girl changing her clothes. Should never leave home without bringing a jacket. And water. 

One thing that I realised after I got home is this whole catch-up thing isn't just about me being out there to socialise but also it's about me being there for my friends, although I might not be any help of their problems. I realised that it's good to know about what they're up to or about their future plans since one of them is graduating this month. Really glad that I met them that day after a while.

Until next post.

An Episode

Today I was having another episode of the crappy feeling. Despite the sunny and warm weather, I woke up a couple of hours before the alarm set to go off this morning, feeling... well, crappy. Trying to push aside the feeling, I got off the bed and drew open the curtain to let some sunlight in through the window. Lucky I have this giant window with the view of the street and houses. Sometimes I wonder if people can see through the window glass when I'm changing clothes with the curtain opened. But as you know I can't be bothered closing it, either.

Not only I woke up with the crappy feeling, I also woke up feeling hungry. Well, starving. Famished. Maybe it was from the jogging and workout session I did yesterday in the late afternoon, then I passed out from exhaustion after showered. So maybe that's why I had the crappy feeling, too. I don't know. I made a mental note to ask my counselor when I go to see her.

And so I did tell her about the feeling I had this morning in our counseling session today. I am by now her 'Friday 1 o'clock', by the way. That's what the old lady in the reception would always call me when she phones my counselor to announce my arrival; "Hi B*****, your 1 o'clock is here." Then she'd ask me to have a sit in the waiting room. I was then being called in after a few minutes.

Our counseling session today was about my crappy feeling I had in the morning. She helped me digging deeper into my thoughts to express my feeling by asking specific questions, so she could find out what could be the trigger of my depression and anxiety. We also talked about my past. I'm never uncomfortable talking about my past because I think the past is what made me right now. Not that I'm blaming my past for what I'm going through right now.

Lastly, we talked about something that is related to my sexual orientation. Who would have thought that I'm sometimes disturbed by my sexual orientation after I myself thought that I've passed the denial and acceptance phase? The thing is the deeper I dig my thoughts, with the help of my counselor, the more I find things about myself that I thought it wasn't me, but apparently that is actually me. It's kind of hard to explain without telling you exactly what it is. But at the same time I can't reveal every single thing that we've been talking about in those sessions. I can't expose myself any more than I already have.

Maybe not now or never.
Maybe when I'm ready.
Maybe I'll never be ready.
We'll see.

With the promise I made to myself that I would never let the crappy feeling take all over me, I treated myself with a bowl of pho and a three-colored-drink from the Vietnamese restaurant a few blocks down from my house. The counseling session went about an hour and a half and I found my tummy grumbling when it ended. The weather was a bit chill with cool breeze in the afternoon, it'd be nice to have a bowl of pho.

I was extremely full by the time I finished the meal but thought I could still get some coffee at the cafe just a few doors down the restaurant. So there I went. I ordered a cup of mocha-latte, despite my craving for real caffeine. But I know better not to have too much caffeine because of my sleep deprivation, yet I still can't get rid of it completely. Hence, I have to be satisfy with mocha-latte, which for me is more chocolate than coffee. And a few cents more expensive than a cup of cappuccino, which is ridiculuous.

The cafe is the only place that I patronise for a cup of coffee around my suburb. They make a good coffee and the place is really cozy to hang out for a chat or for reading. Once in a while I would stride a walk to the cafe.

 

I spent a couple of hours there, enjoying the drink while reading a book. They close at 6 o'clock so I made my way home before they start cleaning up. The sun was still shining so bright I decided to walk home. It was three tram stops away. A few blocks away. 30 minutes walk. 20 minutes if I walk fast. I just thought I could use some exercise after eating all that. 

By the time I got home, I still feel the need to burn more calories. Burn the crappy feeling away, to be honest. Obviously, the walk wasn't enough. So I changed into shorts and singlet, set the Spotify on some exercise station, and started exercising a bit; 50 squats, for the sake of nice and round buttocks. Cross that. It's for the sake of nicer and rounder buttocks. Yes, I already have a nice and round buttocks I don't need effort showing out my butt. I know it from the slaps I get that is usually followed by 'nice butt' comment when I'm wearing fitted jeans or leggings. I'm not sure if I should take it as sexual harassment or a compliment. I choose the latter since it's always coming from women, and not men. (This is me being sexist.)

Anyways, making my butt nicer and rounder wouldn't hurt me or anyone else, right? Well, it did hurt my thighs and legs and buttocks muscle I could barely feel them when I woke up this morning from the one-hundred squats I did yesterday. The jogging was absolutely nothing. I'm positive that I'm going to endure more muscle sore tomorrow morning.

I felt a bit better after exercise and even better after showered. I changed into sweatpants and t-shirt, pulled my hair up and sat on the desk, checking my student email. I even managed to polish my resume and applied for some jobs, hoping that at least one of them will reach back to me. By the way, have I told you that it's about time for me to start looking for a better job? I don't think so. But I'll talk about it some time later. 

Working out always makes me hungry, so I made a toast - wholemeal bread - and a cup of tea for my evening snack (I cannot completely get away from caffeine, can I?). Learning from today's episode, I don't want to wake up hungry, which can cause the crappy feeling to come up. I ate the toast while continue reading the book. Then I ended up writing this. Somehow I needed to let the words out, instead of keeping them floating in my mind.

At least I'm hoping for a good sleep tonight after all the effort for today's episode. It's something that I really, really need and something that I haven't had for quite a while now: a good sleep. 

I'm off to sleep now and I bid you a good night. 

Until next post.

After Ten Years

Having a BFF who is half the globe away and lives in a opposite different time zone and different continent is definitely a hard thing, but it's something that is possible to live with. Well, meet Q (I swear she doesn't like to be called by her initial, and would probably kill me if she finds out I'm calling her by that name here), my 10-year-long-distance best friend.

She lives in America and I'm here in Australia (surely, it used to be between America and Indonesia), with, um, 13 hours difference. Wait, is it 14 hours? Or even 15 hours? Nevermind, I have long stopped counting the time difference and just completely ignore it. All I know is my bedtime is when she's getting ready for work. Yes, the time difference is such a pain in the ass when it comes to one of us is in emergency situation and needs an immediate respond, but apparently the other one is asleep. Alright, I exaggerate it and by any means 'emergency situation' isn't something like me calling her from inside a jail, asking her to bail me out, or vice versa. Nontheless, despite the delay of reply due to time differences, we happen to manage the communication just fine.

Ten years of long-distance-friendship, I have by now only vague memory of how we met randomly and stayed in touch through chat messenger. Who would have thought that she'd stay in my life and be the only person I tell about the silliest thing about me that I'd never ever tell other people? I certainly wouldn't. But there she is, standing by me through my darkest moment. It's something that I'm grateful for.

Ten years of friendship, never once we meet. Sure, we have had video chat long before Skype. Now we skype each other once in a while. But physically seeing each other? Never, yet. Through the ten years, many talks about visiting each other, many plans were created. We were still too young by then (she's three years younger than me, even), we could only talking and imagining about the day that we finally can meet. Until this year, the chance of us seeing each other seems so far away.

Yup. She is coming to Melbourne by the end of December. After life brought me to Melbourne and she has landed a full-time job, the talks and plans are eventually becoming real. We have started talking about visiting each other and her desire to travel to Australia in the beginning of this year, in which later on became a serious talk about her coming to Melbourne. Yes, if you're coming it has to be now before I turn 30 and don't have enough energy to keep up with you and do crazy and wild stuff, I told her. We decided that she should come in December, not only it's when I have the longest school break but also because summer is the best time in Melbourne. A few weeks went by and we didn't talk about it for a while until one day I woke up to her email contained her ticket itinerary.

You know, it feels like a dream come true for both of us. In about four weeks she's going to be here and after a long await of ten years, four weeks seems like forever although time goes by real quick. We have been talking about the things that she wants to do while she's here. Even an hour ago I just checked her email, listing all the stuff she wants to try out. We might also fly to Sydney for 2 or 3 days, depends on our budget (mine especially). Not so surprisingly, been over a year here in Melbourne and I still think that there's nothing much to do in this city, except for sight-seeing, shopping or eating out. Maybe because I live here that I find nothing interesting much. Therefore, she's the one doing all the research of things-to-do in Melbourne, while I'll be the one taking her around.

Excited? Definitely! Anxious? Yes. (More to my part, of course.) Many questions are hanging in the air. What if we didn't get along? What if what she found here didn't meet her expectation? What if I didn't get better by the time she arrives? (God forbid, I'd be still a nervous wreck and ruin her vacation.) What if I didn't have enough budget for all of our plans? And so many 'what if's'. Her visit is going to be (only) three weeks. Yet, it seems not enough time to do all the things, to go around places, and most importantly not enough time to pay-off the ten years of not being able to meet for real. But we're gonna take what we have. And in regards to the 'what if's', I think that we should just be ourselves and enjoy the time we get to spend together because, honestly, it can be years away until we meet again.

Now we just wait until the day comes - the day where I'm going to pick her up at the airport. In around four weeks and we're going to meet for real, for the first time since I befriended her. We have waited for ten years, only a few more weeks to make this a lifetime moment to remember.

Until next post.

A Sticky Note

One of so many things that I've been keeping a mental note on is reading. I want to start reading again. I need to start reading again. This is one of the 'to-do list' I was talking about on the latest post.

Reading. 

It's been quite a while since the last time I read a book. In fact, it's been way too long, despite calling myself an avid reader. There's always an excuse for me not to read; a whole bunch of assignments, tests, finals, or workload. Sometimes I miss being so engrossed over a book that I can't put it down. I miss fantasizing a storyline or picturing myself as one of the characters. I miss burying my face behind a book, turning every page with excitement.

On top of all that, I miss the feeling of enjoying a very good read - a feeling that I can never explain and can never be understood by people who don't like reading, like Mum. She wholeheartedly disapproves my obsessive passion in reading (and apparently my obsessive and impulsive buying of books too), but she never stops me anyways. If I were to tell her that one of my most wanted dreams is to have a private library where I put all my book collection, she'd probably laugh at me, if not snapping at me. But what can I say? We both totally have different point of view in this matter (now you see, how different a mother and a daughter can be and most of the time people judge out of differences).

Lucky now I live in Melbourne that has plenty of libraries! I've come to a decision that I'd borrow rather than buy for the sake of keeping less stuff, just in case I'm going to move out again. It's gonna be a mission to move out with boxes and boxes of book, don't you think? And, of course, for money wise, too (hey, I'm a poor student, working to support myself, okay? I'm just kidding. But I'm serious about being poor, though).

Having the need to start reading haunted my mind for so long, I finally made myself go to the City Library yesterday, joined the membership and borrowed a book. I have to admit that I get remarkably excited every time I step into a bookstore/library (except for uni library) like a little girl enters a candy shop, and so did I when I walked into the City Library. I spent almost three hours looking over the online catalog, walking between the bookshelves, searching for books. I was actually such at loss that I don't know what book I want to read. After trying to dig it out of my head, I eventually picked a book that first came up in my head: Last Sacrifice (a series of Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead).

Wasting no more time, I pulled out the book out of my bag and started reading while on the tram home. I smiled when I turned the first page and found a sticky note written by a reader, who apparently borrowed the book about a year ago. The note says:

This might be nothing, no such a big deal, but I just think it's really sweet. It's some kind of a secret way to pass a message to another readers. Okay, I'm being too much here. But still, it's cute and I love it! Maybe I'll leave a note on a book one day... Glad that I dragged myself to the library and beat procrastination. One list is ticked off.

Until next post.

A New Chapter

This is a new record! I've been keeping the same layout and template, and pretty much the header image of this blog for almost as long as I started it. That means it's been around three years now. I'm thinking of changing everything, I even have some ideas of what changes would I make but I haven't really got into it and eventually make that happen. One of so many reason (aside from, oh well, you know, procrastination) that I can possibly think of  is I, honestly, like the current look of this blog. And I'm also aware that planning, designing and implementing the changes can be a time consuming (and, again, procrastination). So, it may have to wait for a little more while until it turns into action.

However, there is one change that is going to happen right here, right now, as I'm typing this post and you are about to find out.

Speaking of change, my life has been into some huge deal of so many changes over the past year. Looking at a bigger picture, the change is not just about moving abroad to another country by myself, going back to school and building up a new life from scratch. It is, in fact, more bigger than the bigger picture. The change itself, as I can say, is how I live my life. And unlike this blog, where I can actually decide when I want to make the change, to make it happen, my life and the way that I live my life have changed, whether I want it or not.

In continuation of what I have written on Sepoci Kopi, my life is still in a downward slope - if it's not rock-bottom already. What happened to me in the past few months has changed the way I live (and, maybe, the way I see life). Yes, I still have the depression and anxiety, and every time me and my counselor try to measure my well-being over a scale, my measurement still falls down to the nearest bottom line (quite a disappointment, in my point of view, but my counselor always insists that it's alright - one step at a time). The anxiety attack is getting more often that it happens with or without a trigger. It gets uncontrollable sometimes and the after-feeling is always appalling.

But what really the hardest thing to deal with is the crappy feeling (I couldn't come up with any better - or should I say, horrible - name than that) that always comes to me. It's the feeling of sadness, loneliness, rejection, unappreciated, unwanted, and all sort of negative things that you can think of. Sometimes the crappy feeling gets unbearable and that's when the depression emerge and soon is followed by the anxiety. Imagine yourself being in a dark pitch room, it's too dark you can't even see your own hands, and you can hear the sound of ringing in your ears. You feel suffocated and depressed, while the fear that leads to anxiety slowly crawling out into the surface and you suddenly get all shaky and out of breath. That's really what the crappy feeling feels like.

As much as the breathing exercise helps me to calm down and to enable me to gather myself back together again, sometimes it just doesn't and most of the time I'm being left feeling even more horrible. I was going through a painful moment when I had the crappy feeling some time ago and something that Queenie, my long time bestie, said that eventually opened my eyes (and mind, should I add).

I realised that I have depression and anxiety, and I may never get cured of it. But to find out what really gets me into it and try to get the hell out of it is really crucial to my well-being. Avoiding wouldn't help much and it wouldn't take me anywhere near getting better. What I should really do is to make my brain think positively, filter all the negative thoughts and dump them all before they can get to my nerve. Shower myself with positive excitement and keep the positive vibe with me all the time, if possible. When I feel crappy and breathing exercise doesn't help, start thinking about things that make me happy and excited. Write every single thing that I want to do and do it when I have the time. Keep a journal of happy-sweet-cherry things and read them whenever I feel the need to.

Those are likely what she said to me. I don't know where did she get it from, but her wise sometimes amazes me.

Therefore, here is the change that is about to happen: a happy-sweet-cherry journal that I'm going to write from now on, under the tag of 'Life in Melbourne'. Looking through all of my blog posts, many (if not most) of them are really, really deep-mellow-dark-freaking-serious thoughts (I wonder how you guys keep up with the reading if it sorta-kinda overwhelmed you in a bad way, too?!), and that has to change. Well, of course I can't promise it's going to be all sugar. You know how twisted my mind can be, let alone when I have the depression and anxiety now, hanging at the tip of my brain. But I'm really trying here, buds!

One thing, for sure, behind all this change is me wanting to get better, even if I can't be cured and have to carry the 'illness' with me for the rest of my life. But at least I can get myself better each day. I know it's easier said than done, but I'm going to try.

Also, I would like to thank to those who commented on my post at Sepoci Kopi. It really means a lot to me. And to my friends who are always be there for me, whether you're here or far, far away in Indonesia. You guys are the best and I'm grateful to have you all in my life. Last but not least, Queenie, oh well, I'm sure you know yourself that you're an awesome person. A sincere thank you from me, and I know you know what I'm thanking you for, anyway. (LOL).

That's all about it for now. This is one hell of the longest post ever, perhaps? But that's should be enough to cover the almost four months of zero posting. No, this is not a bribe, I swear. This is... well, I guess I just missed writing so much and eventually exploded. Which is a good thing, right?

Until next post. 

Peek-a-boo

It's been months now, hey? How's life treating everyone? All good? Hopefully.

Anyway, I'm just peeking up in here and doing a little blog-walking here and there. Many blogs I follow don't update much either and as dead as mine. Shall afraid not, I'm surely picking up my mojo and am gonna start writing something again in the very near future. At least give me more break and let me finish my exams and I'll get back here.

This is, indeed, a promise to myself.

My Studies So Far

Semester 3 has been going for two weeks now and I've got plenty of summary to do, and mounted of practice questions to solve. It's going to be tough this semester as I'm doing Taxation Law, Financial Management, Financial Accounting Report (which includes corporate consolidated financial report, and is pretty much a complicated subject), and Business Statistics.

I'm worried much about this semester that at some point I can't function. Seems like my brain just goes numb and blank and I don't even get a single thing out of the materials. Or perhaps because I'm just too tired sometimes. Clearly this semester requires more effort for study and I can see myself staying up all night at uni studying in the next coming week. 

By now I've got use to the Australian education system and assessment marking. It's slightly similar to when I was doing my bachelor degree in Indonesia. Up for now I passed all the subjects, only this time I want to get higher grade, especially in the core accounting subject. This won't be easy and requires double the effort and time of study, but I'm gonna try. I have to. 

There are some thing that I have to sacrifice in order to achieve this. I have to give up some volunteer activity that I've been doing since last year, which is mentoring for international students in foundation studies at my uni. I won't, by now, have time to organize activities for the international students and actually go to every activity. It takes quite of time and full commitment to be a mentor and I just can't do it. Not this semester. 

Another thing that I have to give up is my workload. I will still do two jobs but I'm working less shift now. Just enough to pay my daily living cost and have a little bit savings for next semester's tuition. I know I still can work as much as I want during summer break. Also, I'm giving up several of my weekends. Distraction is the least I need right now, hence I'll be studying instead of going out. That should be easy remembering I earn little less money now so I won't have spare money to spend on weekends. 

I really hope that this all will be worth in the end. Competition is getting higher and higher, and getting enough point just to pass a subject isn't good enough. Because I have to stand out in the crowd if I really want to get into the workforce and eventually settle down. I have to keep reminding myself that this is for the better future.

And for Mum. Definitely for her.

Friends with Benefits

It's 4:07 in the morning as I'm typing this and Melbourne is at its coldest weather. I was awoken by the sound of tram passing by. This is the downside of living in a suburb closer to the City and the house is right next to the main road. Usually, I can just go back to sleep straight away as I've got used to the sound of endless traffic, but not this time. I reached my phone and randomly checked on the social media timelines, until I decided to blog about something.

Miss Bouncy is sleeping next to me. She's come here to pick up a textbook that I've borrowed for her from my university library. This is the first time we meet after she flew to Sydney for two weeks during uni break. Plus new semester has started and we both have been pretty tight up with study already. But she managed to cook some pasta with prawn and brought me some. We chatted about her holidays while I ate and I listened to her venting out about her clinical placement at some hospital.

Her bare back is now facing me but I still can hear her breathing softly. A sign, that I've learned, of her falling into a deep sleep. Some night she'd text me, saying she can't sleep. It could be her anxiety problem sometimes. Hence, seeing that she's sound asleep now gives me a slight peace of mind. We have to wake up in a couple of hours as she got a shift at the hospital in the morning and I have to go to work, then attend a lecture class.

This is probably the kind of thing that will raise the question. Knowing that I've been hooking up with Miss Bouncy, Queenie asked me about us. "Are you two a thing now?", was her question. I said no. We're more like "just hook ups" and "no string attached". But as Queenie said, you don't hang out with people you're hooking up with and you seem to hang out a lot with her lately. Well, now I'm thinking about what Queenie said, she's right. I do hang out with Miss Bouncy a lot, especially last semester. She would come over three or four days a week or whenever I was home, because I used to spend some night at uni to study and came home the next morning. I still do stay the night at uni this semester, but not as often as before. Yet. 

She has also left some of her stuff at my place. A pair of PJ's, hairbrush, toothbrush, contacts container, and even her phone charger. By now we have "my side" and "her side" on my bed. I sleep on the left side and she sleeps on the right side. Most of the time she'd walk me out to the tram stop and wait with me, before catching her tram home at the opposite direction and we'd kiss on the lips as we're parting. I know that it's every little thing that screams out "you two are a thing!" 

But we're not.

We're more than friends, less than lovers. Queenie came up with the term of "friends with benefits". I agreed and am pretty much okay with that. And so does Miss Bouncy. And I'd wish it stays that way. Nothing more and nothing less. Just two friends having a little bit more of fun and enjoying the ride.

Miss Bouncy

I called her Miss Bouncy for a reason. She just can't stop bouncing. She bounces anytime, anywhere, with or without music, even when she's venting about something or someone. Bopping her head, bouncing up and down. That's just really her personality and she always has the energy to do that. She loves house/dance music, remix, and all the kind of music. If you go through her music playlist, you'd find Calvin Harris, Zedd, Hardwell, Avicii, David Guetta, and many more stored on her phone. And, yes, she goes clubbing sometimes.

I met her the first time at a gathering held by a group of Asian lesbians/bi's in Melbourne on last December. It was the first gathering for both of us that we actually went to. We introduced ourselves and I remembered she mentioned that she's a nursing student at another university. She also mentioned that she's bi and three years younger than me, and from Sydney. By the end of the gathering, we ended up going home together as we were heading to the same line. That was the last time I saw her, or so I thought.

A few months later, around early April, she added me on Facebook. We talked a bit through the chat and a couple weeks later she asked if I wanted to go grab a dinner. I said yes. We exchanged numbers and on the night we agreed to meet, we went to have a dinner at a restaurant in my suburb then went for a cup of coffee. That was the first that led to the second dinner, this time I was the one asking. We keep in touch and exchanging text messages a few times a week, until I invited her over to my place (by that time I had moved to the place I am living in now), because she bought a bottle of Baileys and wanted to share it with me.

And that was when it all happened.

Being a light drinker we are (I'm still way lighter than her), I was a bit drunk and she was tipsy. I don't remember who started it or how did it even happen. Vaguely I remember asking her what time she was going home and she asked me back, what time did I want her to go home. So I told her to stay over because it was getting late and she'd probably missed the bus. Then everything was blurred after that. All I know is I ended up sleeping with her.

Supposedly, it was a one-night-stand thing. Apparently it's not. She came over the next few days and we had sex again. I'm surprised myself that it's still happening until now. Yet, we are not thing and we both seem okay with it.

Funny is that this has been happening for about three months now and we get to know each other more through the days we meet. She told me about how she used to be bullied in school because everyone knows she's bi, she told me about her parents divorce and that she's got a step brother. She told me how she was depressed and wanted to kill herself, yet here she is. Strong and bouncy. Also I figured out that she has huge patience. She rarely gets mad over anything, unless it happens continuously.

How long will this last, I have no idea. We both are singles and do seem to enjoy whatever it is that we're doing. It's not a relationship, less drama. We still exchange text messages almost everyday when we don't get to meet, but that's all. One more thing, though, is that I've never expected that this would happen. Let alone that I'd ever get laid. Hehehe... But anyway, we'll just enjoy it while it lasts, aye?

One Year

Hari ini, tepat setahun yang lalu, pesawat yang kutumpangi membawaku tiba di Melbourne. Masih teringat jelas hari itu aku disambut dinginnya udara musim dingin. Tubuhku yang masih belum terbiasa tentu saja mengalami guncangan hebat yang membuatku gemetaran lokal.

Masih jelas teringat segalanya terasa asing bagiku. Tidak ada satu orang pun yang kukenal atau yang mengenalku. Well, aku memiliki seorang teman baik yang sudah lama tinggal di sini namun hari itu dia tidak bisa menjemputku. Masih juga kuingat jelas perasaanku saat itu, ketika segalanya asing bagiku. Ada rasa takut, cemas, namun juga excited karena ini kali pertama aku merantau hingga jauh ke negeri asing. Sendirian pula dan hanya mengandalkan kemampuan Bahasa Inggris. Semuanya campur aduk, nano-nano.

Harus kuakui pada minggu-minggu pertama, hingga beberapa bulan kemudian, aku merasa kesepian (dan kedingnan!) Ditambah lagi dengan desakan bahwa aku harus segera memperoleh pekerjaan sampingan demi mencukupi biaya hidupku sehari-hari di sini. Aku tidak mau menyusahkan Mama yang harus membayar biaya kuliahku yang cukup mahal. Maka satu-satunya cara adalah aku tidak lagi meminta uang bulanan dari Mama. Dan dua bulan kemudian aku mendapat pekerjaan paruh waktu.

Lalu bagaimana mungkin aku bisa membayar semua biaya kebutuhanku sendiri hanya dengan bekerja paruh waktu? Oh well, hingga saat ini aku bekerja tetap paruh waktu di dua tempat sekaligus, dan sesekali bekerja based on call. Aku bekerja kurang lebih 60 jam per dua minggu dan kuliah full-time. Bukankah itu melanggar aturan dan bisa-bisa dideprotasi kalau ketahuan? Iya, bisa saja. Tapi percayalah, bekerja seperti orang kesetanan itu sudah menjadi tipikal mahasiswa internasional di sini. Jangan ditanya bagaimana aku mengatur waktu antara belajar dan bekerja. Pernah sampai berhari-hari aku menginap di kampus, hanya tidur kurang lebih tiga jam, demi menyelesaikan tugas atau belajar untuk ujian.

Jangan ditanya juga bagaimana kehidupan sosialku. Waktuku habis terpakai untuk belajar dan bekerja. Hanya belakangan ini saja baru aku mulai sesekali menikmati waktu luang dengan makan bareng teman atau sekedar ngopi-ngopi cantik di kafe. Sesekali memberi reward buat diri sendiri dengan belanja. Itu sih tetap ya, harus.

Sekarang segalanya tidak lagi asing. Ada banyak hal yang terjadi selama beberapa bulan terakhir ini. Salah satunya adalah aku telah menyelesaikan semester keduaku dan sekarang sedang libur kuliah. Kurang lebih tiga bulan yang lalu aku pindah ke tempat tinggal yang baru dengan alasan tempat tinggalku yang pertama terlalu jauh dari City. Banyak hal yang sudah kualami, yang kapan-kapan akan kuceritakan.

Satu tahun telah berlalu dan perjalananku masih panjang. Ada waktu-waktu di mana aku merasa bosan dengan rutinitas yang sama. Ada waktu-waktu di mana aku merasa lelah dan ingin menyerah. Tapi mengingat kembali alasanku hingga membuatku memutuskan untuk merantau hingga jauh sampai ke sini yang membuatku tetap bangkit lagi. Karena perlahan aku mulai membuat tempat ini, negeri ini, sebagai rumah baruku...

The People I Met: The Backpackers

Salah satu hal yang menarik dari Melbourne adalah banyaknya jumlah backpackers yang sering mengunjungi kota ini. Padahal sih ya, menurutku pribadi biaya hidup dan perjalanan di Melbourne itu cukup mahal untuk dijadikan tempat kunjungan backpackers. Dan terlalu sophisticated juga untuk budget backapacking. Itu kalau aku sih, hehehe.

Beberapa waktu yang lalu aku bertemu dua orang backpackers yang sedang mencari-cari pekerjaan. Rupa-rupanya mereka ini tipe backapackers yang memegang Working Holiday Visa selama satu tahun. Dua backpackers ini berasal dari Hong Kong dan Perancis. Dua orang dari belahan dunia yang berbeda bertemu di Melbourne. Tiga deng ditambah aku.

Anyway, pertemuanku dengan mereka kembali mengingatkanku akan keinginanku untuk backpacking. Walaupun sebenarnya aku ini bukan tipe backpacker tapi lebih ke traveller, tapi ada secuil mimpi untuk bisa menjelajah dunia yang tak pernah kubayangkan, mendatangi tempat-tempat jauh yang hanya pernah kulihat di saluran National Geographic. 

Melihat dua backpackers itu kembali mengingatkanku ketika aku pertama kali tiba di sini. Kau tahu, perasaan ketika kamu berada di sebuah tempat yang sama sekali asing bagimu, tidak ada seorangpun yang kau kenal? Perasaan seperti itulah yang membuatku ingin backpacking-an. Tiba di tempat yang sama sekali baru dan asing, tak ada satupun orang yang dikenal, bahasa yang tak dipahami, get lost somewhere far away unknown, buatku itu sebuah pengalaman yang mendebarkan. Jikalau itu layak disebut sebagai sebuah bentuk pelarian, maka ini akan kujadikan sebuah pelarian yang indah (halah!). 

Tetapi (oh, there is always a but!), kenyataannya belum bisa. Lha ya iya, aku masih punya tanggung jawab pada orang tua, masih ada banyak hal yang harus kukejar. Maka mimpi backpacking-an dipendam dulu, walau sekarang aku mulai merasa dikejar-kejar usia sih. Yang jelas suatu saat nanti aku akan mewujudkan mimpiku yang satu ini. Untuk sekarang ini kujalani dulu jalan yang sudah kupilih, dan itu termasuk menyelesaikan tugas kuliahku. Eh?!

Hate

"If you want to forget something or someone, never hate it, or never hate him/her. Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart; if you want to let go of something, if you want to forget, you cannot hate."

- C JoyBell 

Happy 2014

HAPPY VERY, VERY BELATED CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR!!!

To be honest, I am in lost for words after a while been neglecting this blog. Took me a lot of efforts to make myself write again, too. But here I am, sitting at my desk, writing with the radio on.

Nothing much has happened these past couple of months. I found two new jobs in the City on last December and have been working and working ever since. Then stayed at home for Christmas and New Year and did nothing. I wanted to go out and celebrated New Year with thousand of people at City but then I was just too lazy to go out and catch the train. Oh, well, not so much into party, too. Guess I'm getting old or something... But anyway, I'm still up for festivals! And good thing is Melbourne has so much festival coming up this year. I missed a few already because I had to work. One was the Pride. Yes, the Pride! I won't miss it next year definitely.

I don't have any resolution for this year. I mean, why bother making a long list of things I want to make better that would just end up in the drawer, untouched and forgotten. Yet, I do wish things will be better this year and hope for the best in everything for me, my family, friends, and girlfriend (good luck for the exam, Yang).

...

That's pretty much about it. I have never been this much lost for words...