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Friday, 28 November 2014

An Episode

Today I was having another episode of the crappy feeling. Despite the sunny and warm weather, I woke up a couple of hours before the alarm set to go off this morning, feeling... well, crappy. Trying to push aside the feeling, I got off the bed and drew open the curtain to let some sunlight in through the window. Lucky I have this giant window with the view of the street and houses. Sometimes I wonder if people can see through the window glass when I'm changing clothes with the curtain opened. But as you know I can't be bothered closing it, either.

Not only I woke up with the crappy feeling, I also woke up feeling hungry. Well, starving. Famished. Maybe it was from the jogging and workout session I did yesterday in the late afternoon, then I passed out from exhaustion after showered. So maybe that's why I had the crappy feeling, too. I don't know. I made a mental note to ask my counselor when I go to see her.

And so I did tell her about the feeling I had this morning in our counseling session today. I am by now her 'Friday 1 o'clock', by the way. That's what the old lady in the reception would always call me when she phones my counselor to announce my arrival; "Hi B*****, your 1 o'clock is here." Then she'd ask me to have a sit in the waiting room. I was then being called in after a few minutes.

Our counseling session today was about my crappy feeling I had in the morning. She helped me digging deeper into my thoughts to express my feeling by asking specific questions, so she could find out what could be the trigger of my depression and anxiety. We also talked about my past. I'm never uncomfortable talking about my past because I think the past is what made me right now. Not that I'm blaming my past for what I'm going through right now.

Lastly, we talked about something that is related to my sexual orientation. Who would have thought that I'm sometimes disturbed by my sexual orientation after I myself thought that I've passed the denial and acceptance phase? The thing is the deeper I dig my thoughts, with the help of my counselor, the more I find things about myself that I thought it wasn't me, but apparently that is actually me. It's kind of hard to explain without telling you exactly what it is. But at the same time I can't reveal every single thing that we've been talking about in those sessions. I can't expose myself any more than I already have.

Maybe not now or never.
Maybe when I'm ready.
Maybe I'll never be ready.
We'll see.

With the promise I made to myself that I would never let the crappy feeling take all over me, I treated myself with a bowl of pho and a three-colored-drink from the Vietnamese restaurant a few blocks down from my house. The counseling session went about an hour and a half and I found my tummy grumbling when it ended. The weather was a bit chill with cool breeze in the afternoon, it'd be nice to have a bowl of pho.

I was extremely full by the time I finished the meal but thought I could still get some coffee at the cafe just a few doors down the restaurant. So there I went. I ordered a cup of mocha-latte, despite my craving for real caffeine. But I know better not to have too much caffeine because of my sleep deprivation, yet I still can't get rid of it completely. Hence, I have to be satisfy with mocha-latte, which for me is more chocolate than coffee. And a few cents more expensive than a cup of cappuccino, which is ridiculuous.

The cafe is the only place that I patronise for a cup of coffee around my suburb. They make a good coffee and the place is really cozy to hang out for a chat or for reading. Once in a while I would stride a walk to the cafe.

I spent a couple of hours there, enjoying the drink while reading a book. They close at 6 o'clock so I made my way home before they start cleaning up. The sun was still shining so bright I decided to walk home. It was three tram stops away. A few blocks away. 30 minutes walk. 20 minutes if I walk fast. I just thought I could use some exercise after eating all that. 

By the time I got home, I still feel the need to burn more calories. Burn the crappy feeling away, to be honest. Obviously, the walk wasn't enough. So I changed into shorts and singlet, set the Spotify on some exercise station, and started exercising a bit; 50 squats, for the sake of nice and round buttocks. Cross that. It's for the sake of nicer and rounder buttocks. Yes, I already have a nice and round buttocks I don't need effort showing out my butt. I know it from the slaps I get that is usually followed by 'nice butt' comment when I'm wearing fitted jeans or leggings. I'm not sure if I should take it as sexual harassment or a compliment. I choose the latter since it's always coming from women, and not men. (This is me being sexist.)

Anyways, making my butt nicer and rounder wouldn't hurt me or anyone else, right? Well, it did hurt my thighs and legs and buttocks muscle I could barely feel them when I woke up this morning from the one-hundred squats I did yesterday. The jogging was absolutely nothing. I'm positive that I'm going to endure more muscle sore tomorrow morning.

I felt a bit better after exercise and even better after showered. I changed into sweatpants and t-shirt, pulled my hair up and sat on the desk, checking my student email. I even managed to polish my resume and applied for some jobs, hoping that at least one of them will reach back to me. By the way, have I told you that it's about time for me to start looking for a better job? I don't think so. But I'll talk about it some time later. 

Working out always makes me hungry, so I made a toast - wholemeal bread - and a cup of tea for my evening snack (I cannot completely get away from caffeine, can I?). Learning from today's episode, I don't want to wake up hungry, which can cause the crappy feeling to come up. I ate the toast while continue reading the book. Then I ended up writing this. Somehow I needed to let the words out, instead of keeping them floating in my mind.

At least I'm hoping for a good sleep tonight after all the effort for today's episode. It's something that I really, really need and something that I haven't had for quite a while now: a good sleep. 

I'm off to sleep now and I bid you a good night. 

Until next post.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you can handle it :) go go rae you can!