However, there is one change that is going to happen right here, right now, as I'm typing this post and you are about to find out.
Speaking of change, my life has been into some huge deal of so many changes over the past year. Looking at a bigger picture, the change is not just about moving abroad to another country by myself, going back to school and building up a new life from scratch. It is, in fact, more bigger than the bigger picture. The change itself, as I can say, is how I live my life. And unlike this blog, where I can actually decide when I want to make the change, to make it happen, my life and the way that I live my life have changed, whether I want it or not.
In continuation of what I have written on Sepoci Kopi, my life is still in a downward slope - if it's not rock-bottom already. What happened to me in the past few months has changed the way I live (and, maybe, the way I see life). Yes, I still have the depression and anxiety, and every time me and my counselor try to measure my well-being over a scale, my measurement still falls down to the nearest bottom line (quite a disappointment, in my point of view, but my counselor always insists that it's alright - one step at a time). The anxiety attack is getting more often that it happens with or without a trigger. It gets uncontrollable sometimes and the after-feeling is always appalling.
But what really the hardest thing to deal with is the crappy feeling (I couldn't come up with any better - or should I say, horrible - name than that) that always comes to me. It's the feeling of sadness, loneliness, rejection, unappreciated, unwanted, and all sort of negative things that you can think of. Sometimes the crappy feeling gets unbearable and that's when the depression emerge and soon is followed by the anxiety. Imagine yourself being in a dark pitch room, it's too dark you can't even see your own hands, and you can hear the sound of ringing in your ears. You feel suffocated and depressed, while the fear that leads to anxiety slowly crawling out into the surface and you suddenly get all shaky and out of breath. That's really what the crappy feeling feels like.
As much as the breathing exercise helps me to calm down and to enable me to gather myself back together again, sometimes it just doesn't and most of the time I'm being left feeling even more horrible. I was going through a painful moment when I had the crappy feeling some time ago and something that Queenie, my long time bestie, said that eventually opened my eyes (and mind, should I add).
I realised that I have depression and anxiety, and I may never get cured of it. But to find out what really gets me into it and try to get the hell out of it is really crucial to my well-being. Avoiding wouldn't help much and it wouldn't take me anywhere near getting better. What I should really do is to make my brain think positively, filter all the negative thoughts and dump them all before they can get to my nerve. Shower myself with positive excitement and keep the positive vibe with me all the time, if possible. When I feel crappy and breathing exercise doesn't help, start thinking about things that make me happy and excited. Write every single thing that I want to do and do it when I have the time. Keep a journal of happy-sweet-cherry things and read them whenever I feel the need to.
Those are likely what she said to me. I don't know where did she get it from, but her wise sometimes amazes me.
Therefore, here is the change that is about to happen: a happy-sweet-cherry journal that I'm going to write from now on, under the tag of 'Life in Melbourne'. Looking through all of my blog posts, many (if not most) of them are really, really deep-mellow-dark-freaking-serious thoughts (I wonder how you guys keep up with the reading if it sorta-kinda overwhelmed you in a bad way, too?!), and that has to change. Well, of course I can't promise it's going to be all sugar. You know how twisted my mind can be, let alone when I have the depression and anxiety now, hanging at the tip of my brain. But I'm really trying here, buds!
One thing, for sure, behind all this change is me wanting to get better, even if I can't be cured and have to carry the 'illness' with me for the rest of my life. But at least I can get myself better each day. I know it's easier said than done, but I'm going to try.
Also, I would like to thank to those who commented on my post at Sepoci Kopi. It really means a lot to me. And to my friends who are always be there for me, whether you're here or far, far away in Indonesia. You guys are the best and I'm grateful to have you all in my life. Last but not least, Queenie, oh well, I'm sure you know yourself that you're an awesome person. A sincere thank you from me, and I know you know what I'm thanking you for, anyway. (LOL).
That's all about it for now. This is one hell of the longest post ever, perhaps? But that's should be enough to cover the almost four months of zero posting. No, this is not a bribe, I swear. This is... well, I guess I just missed writing so much and eventually exploded. Which is a good thing, right?
Until next post.