Am I marriage material?

What do you think if a guy tells you that he is now actively looking for a girlfriend-to-be-wife at the very early stage of friendship you have with him? 

I met with some guy today for a dinner. Well, he's a friend I know from work actually. He was a new staff at my workplace and worked for only two weeks before he got terminated. For whatever reason, I didn't know until today. During the two weeks I have worked with him 3 or 4 times and we talked once during a break. We talked about work. 

A few days after he got terminated, he messaged me. (He asked my number while he was still working.) I asked him what happened and he asked to meet up. So today we eventually did meet after two cancelled plans because we're both equally busy. We talked a bit more about work, then he told me what happened with work. It's a long story so I'm not going to write it here. The point is he was no longer given any shift. Well, that's the reason behind the meeting. 

Then we talked a bit more. Well, it was more like he started asking me questions like why did I choose Australia, what was the reason behind me moving in here and then some follow up questions after I answered him. Didn't expect to be asked such questions, I gave him vague answers of course. At that time, I thought he was just trying to make a conversation. 

I don't remember exactly how did we get to talk about marriage and stuff. But I do remember he asked about my age. All of sudden he started talking about his plan on getting married at the age of 27 and is now starting to look for a potential candidate. He's two years younger than me, by the way. And to my astonishment, he also asked me when do I plan to get married and all. I told him honestly I haven't thought about getting married because I'm too busy with uni and work, that I'm not ready -- mostly financially. Well, that's slightly true . . . I mean, even if it's legal for gay marriage here I don't think I'm ready to marry a woman either. Dating is a thing but marriage is something. But anyway, of course I didn't tell him that. 

After I told him my view about marriage, he then said that I should start opening myself up for some guy. As I quote, "you can start looking while doing uni and work. It's a good thing to build life together from a scratch." I was at loss of word and all I could say at that time was I'll see. Absolutely didn't see it coming from him. 

Now that I'm recalling our conversation, I realised that all his questions seem to be purposely asked to get to know me more. Isn't it? Or is it just me? Was I unknowingly falling into his screening session? As I recall him saying if I start looking now and in a year I'm still only 29, so it's still alright. Mind you, he's turning 26 and planning to get married in 27. Sounds to me like he was telling me a scenario or something. Didn't he? 

Don't get me wrong. I'm sure he's not a creep. At least he doesn't look like one. In fact, he seems like a polite, nice guy -- a marriage material kind of guy. In terms of appearance, well, he's a few inches shorter than me. But other than that I think he's the kind of guy I would consider, if I'm into guys. 

Whatever it is, I should be more careful not to falsely lead him into something that I don't wish for. That if we keep in touch after today. Like I said, it was the first time we met and had proper conversation. I'm up for friendship of course. But I have to seriously consider keeping a safe distance. 

It is not that I'm too self-conscious, that I'm a hundred percent sure that he's considering me to be his future wife. Although, the idea of me fit his future wife criterion is utterly amusing. To know that I'm the kind of woman that a man would want to marry is entertaining, if not funny. Because I'm not into marriage -- to a man or woman, like ever. Not sure if it's going to change one day, though. One thing for sure is, I don't think I'm marriage material. 

Or maybe because I haven't met the right person to make me willingly let loose of my single-ship . . . .

Bleh. 

Anyway, it was just some interesting story and is probably meant nothing. Maybe it was just a sharing session between two friends. I have nothing to worry about. Right?

Until next post. 

My Saturdays

There are major rail works in many train lines, causing all the passengers to be tossed into connecting buses.

Shit. 

I'm on my way to city in Cranbourne line, completely stuck. I had to take a conneting bus from Oakleigh to Caulfield and now have to wait for 20 minutes for the train that will take me to Flinders Station. Pretty much stranded in Caulfield right now. 

Teenagers are on their way to party. People are dressed up. The night is young for them. Not for me. 

The weather is cold tonight and nothing that I want but a hot shower after long hours of work. Can't wait to wash off the day. Nothing that I want right now but my bed. 

From Flinders Station I still have to catch a tram to go home. It'll take me at least 2 hours to get home . . . .

This is how my Saturday is spent. 

This is why I don't date. 

Until next post. 

Falling Sick

I am totally wiped. Within two days my illness has stretched from sore throat to sore body, faint headache, blocked nose, and cold. I'm falling sick indeed.

Knowing that I don't have work or lecture in the morning, I slept in until 11. I woke up with puffy eyes and dizziness over my head, and I could barely stay awake the entire day. But I was able to drag myself out of bed, ate brunch (cereal with milk), and went to uni. Fortunate enough I was able to make my brain work and managed to finish the very first assignment of the semester that is due this weekend. I put together all the main points and gave it to my team mate. I let her deal with the finishing part. This indicates how sick I'm feeling because I don't usually let other people do the finishing part in group assignment, for the sake of perfection. I just never trust them. But this time, I can't be bothered. (Although, I'm quite sure I will still have a look before we submit it anyway.)

After lecture, which luckily finished 30 minutes earlier, I went home and cooked some congee with sliced ginger and spring onion. The house smelled of ginger while it's cooking. To know that I'm never a cook, it was an easy cooking. I made a bit too much of the congee so I put the rest in a container and into the fridge. I can have it tomorrow as breakfast.

This is one thing that I miss the most: having someone to cook for me, especially when I'm sick. Been living by myself for so long I learned to take care of my own self. I got used to it. But I do miss someone to take care of me. I long for it, to be honest. When I called Mum earlier, I told her I miss her cooking for me. Her reply was, that's why, if you choose to stay there (in Melbourne), you need to find someone to marry with so you won't be alone anymore. Oh wells . . . .

Speaking of someone, it's been too long I stay single. Don't you think it's about time I start looking? Hmmm . . . I'll think about it. 

I would like to write more tonight but I'm getting sleepy. So I'm closing this post. I'm going to bed and hopefully I'll feel better in the morning. Having to call in sick at work is the last thing I need when I need some extra money. I'm planning to have a trip somewhere (Great Ocean Road or Mornington) on Spring break, so yeah . . . We'll see.

Until next post.

When I feel like writing something. . .

Nothing can beat the pleasure of eating ice cream from the bucket! Try it and you'll believe me. Working double shifts for three days in a row last week, I knew I deserved a treat. So yesterday (Sunday) I went to Woolies and bought me a peanut butter and chocolate flavoured ice cream. I ate it last night and tonight. It's such a pleasure, you know, sitting on a couch in PJ and scooping down the ice cream. I know it's a big no no and it's going to worsen the sore throat I've been having for almost a week now. But I don't care. The weather is hot and probably today is the last day we get the warmth. Enjoy the ice cream now and deal with sore throat later. 

I didn't finish the whole bucket anyway. Too much, even for me. 

Tonight I was actually going to write about a particular topic that has been bothering me for quite a while. But I don't feel like writing something that requires a deep thought and I have to rack my brain out to make the words. Because I spent my whole day at uni today, from 8 a.m. until 6 p.m. I had three lectures and two group meetings. I have used my brain to its full capacity. So I'll leave the topic for next time. Besides, I predict that it would turn into a rant and I'm too tired for it anyway. 

I was also planning to call Mum but then decided not to. I don't think I can take up any depressing story about Dad. I know there's something happened at home. How do I know it? Well, I just do, sometimes without having to ask or having them telling me. I call it an instinct. Or more like a hunch. It's probably something that I got from living far away from my family. No doubt Mum would fill me in if I called and it would send me to space to hear the story. 

I do feel guilty for not wanting to know what happened or not wanting to listen to her when she probably needs me. But . . . I just can't take it. Not tonight. Not when I'm having a busy week ahead, and the last thing I want is me escaping to space and lose control. 

I sent her a text instead and she said she's alright. That should be enough to make me feel at ease until I'm ready to call her. Which won't take a long time anyway. I'll definitely call her tomorrow because I also know she was feeling unwell the other day; sore throat, cough and cold. I will check up on her. 

That's about it for tonight. I'm off to bed with Birdy singing. 

Until next post.

A Good Day

It feels so good to be able to eventually lie on bed after a long, wicked day. To feel the body relaxed and slowly drifting to sleep. With slow and soothe music playing, it brushes all the stress that tensing me all day today. You know, the usual things: work, study, group meeting and so on.

Let me tell you about my day. Today I had an argument with the manager at work. Well, it wasn't quite an argument. It was more like me standing up for myself against the manager. It's something that my old self would never do. I would never reason with people and just let them think and judge me as to what they see. But today was different. I spoke out. I stood up for myself when I was being "accused" for not being efficient and multitasking at work. I reasoned with the manager why, in that particular time during work, I wasn't being multitasking. While any other time, when she wasn't looking, I do multitask. At the end, she appologised and I accepted it. All cleared. No hard feelings. 

Oh. And today I did something else extraordinary. I can't tell you yet what it is. But I ensure you that it's such a big leap in my life. A big STEP. It's something that I never thought I could do. The thought of this could be a mistake still lingers in the back of my head. I feel like I've made a bad decision regarding this matter but it's already done and can never be undone. All I can do now is live with it. To look at the bright sight, I've made a progress; I stepped forward. This suppose to be a good thing. Right. 

Also today I had a group meeting to discuss the assignment I mentioned in the previous post; the one assignment that is due in Week 4, which is next week from now. Yip, I finally got a team mate. We figured out the case study and divided the tasks need to be done within an hour. Not bad. 

Then I went home, showered, studied a bit for an hour and half, and finished reading The Whispering Skull (Lockwood & Co. series by Jonathan Stroud). 

I am now enjoying the nighttime, brushing off all the thoughts from my head and dropping all the stress. This is my favourite time of the day. I really should do this more often and I will. 

Alright. I can feel the sleepiness creeping in and my eyes are shutting. (Thanks to Jeff Buckley for singing Hallelujah.)

I'm falling asleep . . . .

Until next post. 

Oh, Ps. Hope you have a good day/night, too. (I'm falling asleep to the Cranberries singing Linger now.) 

I got the tough face back on

Hello everyone. I hope this post finds you all well.

Despite my outburst in the previous post, I am doing good. Still heart broken from the last event, but am okay. Like I said, it was only for one night. In fact, I've been busy with uni. 

I've got an assignment due in two weeks time. It's supposed to be a group assignment of two but my team mate disappeared on me. She's nowhere to be found and not replying to my messages. Maybe she changed timetable or dropped the course because it's boring. Or maybe she fell down and broke a leg or something. (Something wrong always happens in group assignment.) Oh well, whatever. I'll just do it myself then. Only I still have to check with the course coordinator regarding this matter. But I'll start doing it anyway. As a matter of fact, I've started it. Don't want to waste time looking for another team mate, do I? Even if they don't approve, I will still do the assignment. It's silly if they don't grade it. (And I believe I should get a special consideration regarding submission due. This one, I'll fight for.)

Honestly, though, I'm kinda nervous doing this assignment by myself because it's supposed to be a work of two. I know I can do it. I have to do it either way. It requires double the time but it's doable. Talking to the lecturer regarding submission due is something I will definitely do on Monday. Worse thing that can happen is, my special consideration is not approved. That would suck. But I'm positive I can finish the assignment anyway. 

So that's it. Crisis averted. 

Other than the nervous and broken heart, I'm alright. There was a thin chance for me to breakdown again earlier. It was due to Mum telling me that Dad is getting married with the bloody woman. Hmmm. I don't know what to say . . . .

Yes, I was upset and even broken into more pieces. Yet, I'm grateful that Mum, she being a great Mum, talked me through it. Her being strong is what inspires me. She told me not to give a damn about it because he's no longer significant in our lives, and just focus on my study and my own future. I feel slightly better after hearing what she said. It also reminds me that I gotta fight harder and harder. Fight until I can't fight anymore. It's time to put the tough face back on and strive forward. For another 3 or 4 months my mind will be occupied with uni and work. Thinking of anything else is going to slow me down.

Tomorrow I'll do more of the assignment and then study for another course a bit. For tonight, I'm going to bed, falling asleep with the sound of rain. It is somehow calming the soul.

Until next post.

Only for tonight I am heart broken

Do you know, that my dream when I was a little was to become an astronaut? It sounds cliche, I know, but I really wanted to be an astronaut. For some reason I fancied the profession. I fancied the space, galaxies, stars, planets, space travel, spaceships, space suits. If I were ever to be an astronaut, I'd definitely look bulky in space suit, but cool at the same time. When I look at all of those pictures in a book, I used to imagine how would it feel to be in space, floating. I imagined that the view would be breathtaking. And quiet. It must be eerily quiet in space and I like it. 

But little did little Rae know that in order to be an astronaut she must study science. She must love science. Unfortunately, as she grew up and started high school she found out that she hated science. Her brain didn't work well for science, and oh my god she hated Math. But she needed to graduate high school, so she made a truce with science and get along with it although she suffered her entire high school life. She made it, of course. Through high school. She graduated with average grades in science. It wasn't bad but clearly it wasn't enough for her to pursue her dream to be an astronaut.

Now, the grown up Rae has to be happy enough with being an accountant as a lifetime career. 

I do still fancy everything about space, mind you. I feel calm just by picturing space in my head. I can actually feel the quietness and it's kind of therapeutic. More to it, I find . . . peace. Just awhile ago I was in space, floating. (Not literally, of course.) I have this favorite spot in space and it's between Earth and Mars. Closer to Earth that I still can see it but floating on the way to Mars. You know, the distance between Earth and Mars is 225,300,000 km long, and it can take you months or even years to travel to and from Mars. The distance is constantly changing, though, as both planets travel around the sun. So I don't want to float too far just in case I get lost and can't get back to Earth.

It has become my thing, you know. Whenever I feel sad or lonely, I'll happily visit my favorite spot and stay there for a few minutes. Like today. Today is Labour's Day and it's a public holiday. I'm dying to have a day off because I really need some rest. Hence, I called in sick and didn't go to work. I know I need the money but dear goodness it's just one day of rest. Supposedly I enjoyed it. But this morning, I woke up at 9 and there was one message from Chris, my brother. He sent me a photo of Dad and the woman he cheated on Mum with, and some family friends. The photo was taken recently. Just a few days old. I remember Mum told me that some people saw them together about last week. But the news didn't sink in me until now because I was too busy thinking about study (but never actually did.)

When I saw the photo I was . . . I felt betrayed. At first I couldn't recognise them, except for Dad and the woman. So I asked Chris who are they and he told me. Instantly I was in rage as I found out who are the people in the photo. It's a family and I know them from Church. They are a well known family in Church. Hell, they are a religious family from what I know. Yet, there they were, posing for a picture with Dad and the bloody woman who tore my family apart. How could they do this to Mum? To us? Within a few clicks I found the daughter in the photo on Facebook. I was a click away to send her a hatred message. But I counted to ten and closed the application and then I cried. I prayed, and it's something that I rarely do, while crying. I don't know what I prayed about, really.

I never intended to be such a labile bitch with emotion like a roller-coaster. Just about last night I was feeling so good and happy and determined. And tonight I'm feeling . . . heart broken. I tried to forget about the photo and distracted myself with reading course guides, making a study plan on the planner, then watched a couple of movies. I took a few hours nap in the afternoon then woke up and did my laundry. I ate and showered, watched another movie. Then everything started sinking in after that. I cried again. All of a sudden the dam broke loose. I think I'm too heart broken to keep my tears from falling. Besides, it's been a while since I cried.   

Just for tonight, I promise myself. Just for tonight I don't want to be tough. Tonight I don't have to have my tough face on. Right now I don't have to be a superwoman. Only for tonight I'm letting myself broken. And only for tonight I let myself floating in space until I fall asleep. Because tomorrow, when I wake up, is a brand new day and I will leave this behind (doesn't mean I will ever forgive them). Because starting tomorrow I will have to focus back on uni and follow the study plan I've created. And there's also work.

It's only for tonight I stay in the sanctuary of my favorite spot in space, and I'll be back to my true self in the morning . . . .

Until next post.

Today I look pretty

Do you ever have the feeling that some random people you meet in the street are staring at you, directly in your eyes? It happened to me this morning. As soon as I got out of the house, I walked pass by some guy and he looked at me right in the face. It happened again when I sat on the tram, the two girls sitting across my seat were staring at me. One of them even maintained an eye contact for a good ten seconds before I break it and look away. It was just terribly awkward.

By the third time it happened, this time it was some middle-aged man, I started feeling that there might be something funny in my face. Maybe my eyeliner smeared or I did my eyebrows unevenly. So as soon as I got to work I asked Iris if there's something strange in my face. She said no. And then she took a look at me and noticed something. Did you put on make up today? Uh, I always put on make up. Oh, wait! You did your eyebrows, didn't you? Oh, right. I don't usually do my eyebrows but this morning I just kinda did. Because I got a new eyebrow pencil and wanted to try it out (there was discount on make ups in Chemist Warehouse). And because I kinda had to.

You look different today. Actually, you look nicer. Pretty!, she went on. That made me blush. A little bit. I mean, I rarely do my eyebrows because I suck at shaping it using eyebrow pencil. Some people use brush but that's even harder for me. I just suck at it. But this morning I had to shape it with the new pencil because I pluck a little too many when I tweeze my eyebrows yesterday. Lesson learned: never pluck eyebrows at night, after almost 11 hours of work during the day. So maybe I got the stare because I looked nice with my eyebrows shaped this morning. Hmmm. 

The reason why I blog this is, because I feel good about myself. You know, it's like I achieved something. When I shaped my eyebrows, I didn't think that I did it perfectly. I didn't think that it would make my face look different. So I took Iris's comment as a compliment. To be honest, I rarely take compliments because I always feel like I'm not good enough for anything. When I'm being told that I look pretty, I feel ugly. When people say my English is really good, I feel like I have zero vocabulary in English. I often feel like people are just being nice and polite when they compliment me about something. When it comes to something that I know I'm supposed to be good at, I won't have the courage to believe that I'm really good at it. I always be like, oh I'm not good at it so I'll just let someone else does it. By the time I realise I could have done it better than anybody else, I already miss the opportunity.

For almost twenty-seven years of my life, I've been absorbing every negativity being thrown at me that at some point I start to believe that I am nothing but a useless human being. Unfortunately, it started in the family (Dad did it intentionally, and Mum, well, she might not realise it but it did affect me), then among friends and peers. But today I learned about self-appreciate by taking compliments and to bounce off all the negativity. I do make mistakes. I've acted bad in the past. I hurt people, even the ones I love the most. But it doesn't mean I am to be judged by only that. Being told off only about the negativity, to be constantly reminded about what I did wrong or that I'm never good enough, is something that I have to avoid. Surely, I can't prevent it but I can also stand against it. And it's by removing myself from the equation.

I know this might make me sound like a hypocrite because I judge my dad from his wrongdoings and I still can't forgive him. But I am no him. (I'm not going to talk about him, anyway, and am about to close this entry.)

I'm already damaged. Mentally. But not broken. That's the point; that I still can be fixed and it has to come from myself. All I need to do is to appreciate myself more, to reward myself when I achieve something, even if it's only teeny tiny little thing. Another thing is to always remember when I achieve something, it's because I deserve it, for all the effort I put into it. And when people say something good about me, it's because they see the good things in me (and just bounce off all the bad things said that is not a critique). These all are actually part of my New Year's resolutions. It's a good thing I'm doing it now. 

So, in order to celebrate this little achievement, I should probably buy a new make up kit. Agreed?

Until next post.

How Week 1 Feels Like

The moment Week 1 starts, my brain is still on break mode. On the first day (Monday), I came in to lectures totally unprepared. That is such a bad move, really. Luckily, I wasn't the only student who was completely oblivious as half of the class were unprepared, too. I breathed out a sigh of relieve because half of the class and I are probably going to suffer the entire semester together.

Let me tell you how uni works in here. Every year there are two semesters: Semester 1 (March-June) and Semester 2 (July-November). The enrolment is twice a year, which is at the beginning of each semester. It works for both new and current students. And then each semester contains 12 weeks of uni, excluding a week of mid-semester break in between Week 6 and 7, and a week break before final examinations (we call it SWOT vac week). So, with the way it works, the torture begins in Week 1 for twelve weeks ahead.

I don't mean to make it sound so bad, though. Because I do enjoy uni days sometime. I like being busy with essays, research, presentation, but not going to class. It bores me to death I wish someone would kidnap me during class and save me from misery. But at the same time I have to bear with the boring lecturers and patiently listen to them and take notes. I pay a good fortune for all the courses, at least I have to gain more knowledge out of it.

So for the sake of excellent grades and better future, here I am, in uni library, checking out all the course materials that will be my bible for these coming few months. The problem is, my brain is still playing dumb and I don't get a single thing written on the lecture notes. Oh dear, this is bad, bad, bad. How do I defrost my brain so it will start working properly? Because, seriously, I was like "what the shuck is the lecturer talking about?" during the entire lecture. All of a sudden I feel like they're talking about science and space and aliens, while they're actually talking about accounting and business--the two terms I am familiar with.

Chill out. That's what my brain says to me. It's only Week 1. Oh well, whatever. I'll give it a week to whine like a bitch and then buckle up the next. 

Now, I'm going to eat and attend a lecture after. God bless, I don't fall asleep some time during the two-hour lecture with the lecturer talking about how a good manager should act (It's Managing People subject). 

Until next post.

Fifth Year Anniversary

Hey it's March! And you know what? My blog turned 5! Secret on Screen (I abbreviate it to SoS) is now 5. Cool, hey? I would call it an achievement because, hey, have you ever tried keeping a blog for five years without slacking off? Not easy. I slack off, I stuck, hell, I get lazy, too. And when I hit what-so-called writer's block, I can hardly free myself from it. Other time, I feel chatty that the words are bubbling up in my head and I just have to write them down. That's when I become productive. Either way, SoS has served me well by being the canvas for me to paint my words.

Let me tell you the story behind this blog. The idea of SoS is to tell the story of my gay side. You know, the kind of story that I can't tell people; my crush on some girl, relationships and everything that screams gay. Hence the name "Secret". Well, that's the original purpose of SoS. During the five years I've been writing not only the gay story but also about my whole life; my day-to-day life, my goals, my dreams, my family, and everything else. Somehow I have this thought that maybe from this blog some people might get to know that some lesbians do live a normal life. And to tell the world that our lives is not just about finding a true love and full of mellow-dramatic and angst love story. We're no different with anyone else, and by anyone else I mean hetero people. It might seem too idealistic, I know, but hey it doesn't hurt anybody for me to try it. Right? Hopefully I can keep SoS for as long as I can.

So, for the celebration I got myself a large cup of hazelnut cappuccino. Actually, I got two things to celebrate. One being the fifth year anniversary of SoS, and two being me successfully completed semester 2 2014. Yip, I got the result for my deferred exams on Friday and I passed them all. Yay! Against all the obstacles I faced during the semester, I managed to do well in final exam. I was so happy I fist-pumped in the air and screamed "hell yes!" in the public transport. That made some passengers turn their head on me and look at me in wonder. I grinned as a response and they smiled knowingly. They probably thought I won a lottery or something.

For tonight I feel everything is fine and for the first time I feel relaxed and relieved. I know I can't get too carried away because uni starts tomorrow. I haven't cleared my desk and prepared for uni. But I peeked over the course announcements and oh my god I have tons of pre-class reading materials. Not a problem. I can do it within next week. I will. I promise. This time I won't screw up. I can't screw up. Regaining my focus now. But for tonight, I'm just gonna enjoy the last night of break. Starting tomorrow, it'll be all studying and working.

Repeating my mantra: You can do it, Rae!

Until next post.