Facing the Trade-offs

18 August, two years ago, was the day I became an aunt as my nephew, Gabriel, was born. On that day, I congratulated Mum for becoming a grandmother. He is her first grandson and I'm sure she's quite happy about it. A few days ago she celebrated her grandson's second birthday by having a feast and invited the other relatives to the house. I Facetimed her and talked to my nephew and wished him a happy birthday.

He's getting so big now and more active. I can't hold his attention for longer than 10 seconds when I Facetime him. He starts talking. And by talking I mean making a sound of "waaawuuuwaaaawuuuwaaaa". But at least he remembers me and can say my name by following after his mother. When I ask him for a kiss, he will lean forward and kiss me by kissing the screen, with a sound of "mwah". One day, when I was talking to Mum, he reached for the phone and hugged it as if he's hugging me. I burst into laughter, feeling touched. 

Following the happy event was the death of my granduncle. It happened yesterday and I found out in the late evening when I called Mum after work. I wasn't surprise to hear the news, considering that my granduncle was old. He died at age 91. In fact, I was quite calm about it. Maybe because I was in a train and didn't want to be so dramatic by bursting into tears. As I got home I was feeling fine by the news and still even managed to do some final-touch on my report and submit it just in time and, for god's sake, I danced with a grin on my face as the similarity result in Turinitin came out and it was only 8 percent. (For the record, it was nearly 3,850 words report and 8 percent of similarity that was mostly from the reference list, it isn't really bad. In case you don't understand what I'm talking about, well, the similarity prevents plagiarism, which is strictly prohibited in academic fields in here - and I'm sure anywhere else in the world.) 

Until tonight, after I Facetimed Mum and saw the dead body of my granduncle and talked to my grandaunt for a few minutes, the mourn starts to seep into me.

I lost the granduncle I've ever had.

Mum came from a big family so I have so many relatives from her side. But there are not so many elders alive. My grandfather died when I was a kid, and Grandma left us a few years ago.It was quite a loss and I still can't get over it. I never will.

I can only imagine how devastated my grandaunt is over this. She lost a daughter 3 or 4 years ago and she still hasn't been able to cope with the loss, and now she lost her husband. I feel so sorry for her, and for my granduncle.  

How funny life can be sometimes, don't you think? One day we celebrate a happy moment and the next the shove comes to push and turns life upside down.

Then it hit me right in the face. I wasn't there to celebrate Gabriel's first and second birthdays. Hell, I wasn't even there the day he was born. I didn't get to share the happy moment with my family, especially with Chris for becoming a daddy. Although I have my disagreements over his decision to get married so young and many more disagreements on the way he leads his life, and his immature thinking is frustrating the hell out of me, but he is still my blood brother. My baby brother. And I still wished I could be there to celebrate the joy because I love him and I love Gabriel as if he's my own.

And now I'm not there to support my family. Yes, I sent my condolences over the phone but god that almost counts to nothing. They say presence is what matters the most. With the mourn combined, I feel really terrible.

These are the kind of things that I'm going to miss for the decision I made. This, I wonder, if it's a trade-off, or rather a sacrifice. In order to gain something, you have to give in other things. Life always says, you can't have both.

I know that I can arguably count on "this is my life" baloney and I've been living with it since the day I made the decision to migrate here. But in my darkest moment, I feel like I'm not so sure about all this thing anymore. Although, I'm not entertained by the idea of going back home. Because as much as I love my family and the town I grew up in, I swear I will never want to live in there again.

These things, and I'm certain of it, will keep coming on me. There will be another missing happy moments, celebrations and devastating news. But I reckon this is the price I have to pay and I'm not sure if it's even worth it when it comes to my family. For one thing, I'm not having a cold feet and am not going back. Yet, I need to find a way to deal with this terrible and depressing feeling.

Until next post.

Eventually Swimming

So, I eventually went swimming today. And boy, it felt so good! Wished I had done it more often. To my luck, a friend of mine lent me her membership bracelet so that I can go in and swim for free. I was stunned that she's willing to lend me the bracelet as I only know her for less than a week. Hell, it was actually the first time we talk. May god bless her and her kind soul!

The pool was crowded by the time I get there. So I waited a bit before changing into my swimmers. Fifteen minutes later I was already in the water. I managed to swim for an hour and do at least 10 laps. The pool is 30m long. My first lap, however, was tougher than I predicted. I realised it's been over two years I hadn't swum so I'm getting rusty. I knew I was out of shape in the very first stroke because I was out of my breath shortly after. But after the first lap, it got easier.

I stayed in the leisure lane and swam real slow, enjoying it. For every stroke I could feel the water, my swimmers hugging my body tightly, the clear vision under the water (thanks to Speedo goggle), the smell of chlorine, the silence as I dived down and the sound of my breath under the water. And as I eventually got my rhythm, I could swim smoothly and it's calming. It clears my head. Every feeling I feel all this time, the sadness, anger, regret, and every thought I have in the vault of my head, I took it all out in every move. That is what I like about swimming.

I swam until I couldn't feel my legs and arms and I reckon it's gonna hurt like hell in the morning. Then I moved to the fast lane and did a couple of laps before getting out, which feels like a bad idea now considering the sore on all over my body.

In the locker room, I rinsed quickly. Here is the thing I don't like about locker rooms: nude women. Hey, I'm not a pervert. I don't stare. It's just locker room makes me feel so self-conscious. And to my surprise, a woman went completely naked in front of me after I got out of the shower. I acted cool and divert my gaze elsewhere, get changed and leave. But hey, it's something that I don't get to see in Indonesia, no? (And please, it's not like I don't like the view of, you know....)

Speaking of women, oh my god, there are lots of women my type in there! I'm determined to swim more often now.

I stopped by at Coles on the way home to buy a Gatorade and tampons, but ended up spending 20 bucks on chocolates and chips, minus the tampons. I got distracted. Dammit. Swimming always starves me. (It is second to sex, anyway.) Now I have like a month stock of munchies.

Tonight, hopefully, I can sleep soundly. It's something I really need these days.

After today, and considering all the women, I think I'm going to make this a routine. So I might go swimming again next week. That's if I don't get my period.

Until next post.

A Little Heaven

I'm being transferred to another work place to help out with my boss's new set-up business. He opens a new store. He specifically asked me because I have the experience for the job. So I said yes.

The good thing is, it's a good change for me after two years working at the same place. I just need to adapt and I would be good. Another good thing is, no one supervises me. They need me and my experience. So I'm training them. Not the other way around. Cool, hey? And they actually listen to my feedback and suggestions. Also, I got extra hours. Luckily, the new store is located near my area, so a friend drives me home after closing.

The downside is, it wears me down. I've been working double shifts for four days and always get home in comatose. Not to mention that some nights I still have to deal with assignments. It completely left me with zero energy.

But tonight ends my week of work. I'm extremely exhausted and all my body is aching. I got home just an hour ago and hopped into the shower and had a quick hot shower. I'd say, nothing can beat the pleasure of hot shower in a cold night after a long day at work. Washing the day off is just exactly what I needed. And then lying on my bed with the covers up to my chin, wearing a baggy t-shirt and just undies. This. Is. Heaven. Thanks to the electric blanket that keeps my bed warm.

I'm ready to pass out now. And what I love about my Saturday night is by the end of the day I don't have to set my alarm before bed. because tomorrow is my day off. My only day off. So, I'm gonna sleep in. I have no plans for tomorrow but I got an assignment report needs to be done. That is probably what I'm going to do all day. Then I'll go swimming on Monday before or after class. (See? I always plan ahead. Because if I didn't make a plan for what I'm going to do at least two days in advance, I'll be like a lost sheep. I'm that OCD.)

Anyway, for now I'm just gonna rest and enjoy the little heaven.

Until next post.

The Last Semester

Uni has started since two weeks ago. This is my last semester, by the way. Wow. Isn't it? I'm feeling quite anxious about it, but I might as well just enjoy my last couple of months studying. Therefore, I'm getting sucked in with uni works already.

The courses I'm taking this last semester are quite interesting, not to mention quite a heavy load for me. I've got a mountain of required and additional readings in my desk because all the three courses are theoretical subjects. Who would have thought that there are numerous theories behind accounting, which is called Contemporary Accounting Thought and Ethics? Even there's a taste of science in it. Social science it is. Well, I didn't think it that way.

I chose social study in high school and majored in Management for my undergraduate study. I did many accounting subjects before but none of it was theoretical based, nor was I told why accounting is included in social science. I'd rather sit and crunching numbers than memorising definitions and such. Although I may not be good in solving Math problems (God knows I hate it), but I'm good with doing numbers that are currencies. (I guess it's running in my blood, that talent.)

Anyhow, now that I'm actually majoring in accounting, I get the chance to learn the theories that formed the term. 

Apart from learning Contemporary Accounting Thought, I also get to learn about Auditing and Forensics Accounting. This is another new thing for me. I've always wanted to learn it and am aiming the path to become an auditor. People always cringe whenever I say that. Auditors work long hours and that it seems merciless. I know that because I've seen how my friends, who are auditors, work. I guess it'll suit me well. 

But. As I'm learning it at the moment, it's apparently quite overwhelming. I mean, all the terms and rulings and regulations and many more are very, very new to me. It's like studying Tax Law but without the numbers. Now I'm considering being a tax accountant instead. Well, I can just decide later what I really want to do. It's lucky enough if I can land a full time job right after graduate. 

Another course I'm doing is what-so-called "Accounting for Sustainable Management". In this course, I am given a new thinking about business and the role of accounting in the context of sustainability. It touches the social, environmental and financial. Or it is originally known as the "Triple Bottom Line". The other terms are: People, Planet, Profit. 

In simplicity, this course pushes me to critically think of how can business make profit while at the same time being sustainable. And the role of accounting here is to measure the sustainability. For example, the role of accounting in this context is to measure how much the social cost resulted from gambling business in numbers or currency. That is indeed a complex subject, but I'll get the hang of it. I have to.

I would like to talk more about sustainability in personal perspective, but it will be in separate post. Otherwise I might bore you to death with this lengthy post. Let's see if I can make it within this week. But sooner or later, I might have to write it out before the idea gets lost in the jumble of my thoughts.

Until next post. 

Maybe it wasn't the right time...

Remember about the girl that I talked about a few months ago? The one that I was supposed to contact since, well . . . last December? I never contacted her.

Until today.

I didn't realise that it had been this long hadn't I bumped into her coincidently. We didn't have the chance to have a little chat because I was rushing to work. But I did message her afterward, apologising for not staying to say hi.

She replied saying that it's all good and that we should catch up soon. She also mentioned that now she's in a relationship, she doesn't go out much partying, except for Soul Sisters and some other events that are more like social event.

To be honest, part of me is feeling disappointed for whatever reason that I don't understand, but another part is feeling relieved. And yes, I am talking about the "in a relationship" part of her message.

I guess, I'm feeling disappointed because only now I realised that she really meant it when she told me she wanted to get to know me better. Come to think of it, she really did try to spend time with me to find out more about me. I don't know about her intention, and would never know. But it does seem like she was giving me a green light and I was too oblivious of it.

Although it was never my intention to want to be romantically involved with her, it stung me to find out that she is someone else's now. Why do I feel like I blew off my chances, is something that confuses me. Now it feels like there are boundaries between us. One being we cannot meet outside social events like we used to. She's now the sorry-I-can't-reply-your-message-after-10 pm type of "in a relationship".

Of course, I could blame it on my study and work loads that prevented me to have more free time to go out with her every time she asked. But I would be in denial if I say so. Because I know, deep down, I wasn't ready then, to get too attached to someone. (I am not ready now, too). The fact that I didn't have the courage to contact her and I so easily let it slip through my fingers without enough try to grasp it say so much.

I'm happy for her nevertheless and I think she deserves to be happy, knowing that she's such a nice person.

As much as feeling disappointed, I'm also feeling relieved because now I don't have to hang on to whatever feeling I have. Maybe this just wasn't in the right time.

Do I regret this? Maybe yes. Maybe not. But it's not enough to make go all emo and masochist. Most likely I am fine and sooner than later I will have to fold this thought into the vault in my head.

But I did learn something from this; that when the time comes, I don't screw up by blowing it off.

When I am willing to take a big sacrifice, then I would know that that is the person, that it is the time. And I can wait patiently until it comes because I'm no in a rush anyway.

Until next post.