I decided to write my story.
To begin the story, I have to take you a few years back of my life; the part that I have never written on here openly. In 2012, my parents were separated. It was an end result of a long battle that last since 2010 and it include screams, fist punches and flying plates. I made up the latter, for the lack of metaphor but it was, no doubt, a soul-and-emotional-draining situation for all of us.
The separation tore the family apart and it broke the relationship between the father and the children. I haven't spoken to my dad ever since up until this moment. Following the separation was never-ending law suits. We were broke, desperate, in despair, and hopeless. We were hurt and hurting each other. We had no one to call for help, until we hit the point where we could only turn to God for a little hope. Well, Mum did, followed by Chris. I don't know about Vincent, but I didn't. I hit the rock bottom of my life and I shut myself from any faith that I had, closed my eyes, deafened my ears, and numbed my heart.
In 2013, I decided to pack my bag and leave.
So, here I am, away from what I call "My Past." Everything that happened in Indonesia is what I include in My Past. I chose to leave and came to Australia, and haven't gone back ever since. I chose to pursue a master's degree even though it mean I had to work hard to pay half of the tuition and the living costs. I had to juggle between studying full time and working 2 or 3 jobs. It turned me into a dead-walking human, which I'd much preferred than feeling all the pain caused by My Past.
My first year was not easy. I was struggling a lot with the studies, work and family issues that seemed to haunt me still. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. Living alone in a foreign country, I had to trust my survival skill. I seek for help and landed in the Uni's counseling service for students. I was then in counseling for 3 months, battling with depression and anxiety. I found relieve and got my way out and crawled my way through the first year.
Halfway through the second year, thinking I was okay and healed, again the shove came to push and hit me to the ground. I was back in counseling for another 5 months. Thank goodness it was free service. I was again able to pushed myself out of the black hole and got back on my feet. The next thing I know, I graduated and received my Temporary Residence visa.
With no school and nothing else to do but work, I knew something was missing but I didn't know what it was. It led me to seeking for another achievement, which was the HIIT training. Speaking of which, I manged to keep the training going for 4 months. The training left me with a new lifestyle, which I happily keep until now. I became healthier and fitter, and as a bonus I gained toner muscles and have lost 7 kilos since I started the training in March. (Still need to lose a few more weights, especially in the belly department, though!)
Since I began training, I became friends with the manager at my workplace named Michelle. She was going through a lot of pain, too. Her life was literally in chaos. But she, too, got through the worse and is now back on her feet. Through her I found the piece hat was missing; the Divine.
Long story short, it then led me to finding my faith and be spiritual awaken. I see life differently. I begin to practice yoga and meditation daily to help me with my depression and anxiety. I deal with crisis in a non-destructive way. To be awaken, however, I learn that it is important to be healed from all the wounds and pain. I realised that all this time I covered my wounds and let them rooted deeply into my soul, and I pressed the painful emotions down to the bottom. I locked everything in a box and hid it away, never bothered to look it up.
I also learn that it is the time for me to move on and so I need to be healed. The healing is rocky-road and bumpy and more often than not is rough. I know that in order to be healed I have to uncover the wounds and feel the pain and sufferings. Since after my birthday, I have been in the healing process and, boy, I was an emotional wreck. I also happened to be in an ayahuasca ceremony; an unimaginable experience. I would tell more about it in separate post, as well as the more detailed version of my finding faith and healing journey.
The healing process is then taking me to the point where I have to face and revisit My Past again. Thus, I am traveling home for a couple of weeks after 3 years. This, I believe, is a little pilgrimage for me to make a closure with My Past and to welcome a new beginning. I am also looking forward to meet my little nephew, Gabriel.
Writing this is also part of my healing process. To be able to tell this part of my story and wanting to share it with my readers is the healing I needed. I am also hoping that this story would reach many people out there, who are struggling through hardships and stumble upon this blog and happen to read this. Just so you know, you are never alone.
More stories to come and I am trying super hard to be more committed in writing!
Love, light and blessings.
