A Quote from Rocky Balboa

I was feeling down in the past few days. It's probably because I'm having PMS, hence the mood swing. Or maybe I was running out of the positive energy and needed a recharge. Not wanting to feeling it for a long time, I turned to Mr. J this time for positive energy boost. Knowing that he has a collection of motivation quotes on his phone, I asked him to send me one. So, this is what he sent me:

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!” - Rocky Balboa.

It's one of his favourite quotes, though him being a big fan of Rocky is . . . questionable? I reckon he watched the movie.

This quote will do for me and truly reflects what I was feeling. At some point, I was (still am, actually) stuck with a report, not knowing what should I write, and there are some unsolved family issues, too. So it's enough reason to make me feel like a widow.

From now on, whenever I'm feeling down and wanting to give up, I'll return to this quote. Most of all, I'm happy to share this with you, wherever you are. Sharing is caring, so they said. And whatever you're going through, well, you're not alone in this immensely huge world with its 7 billion population. Among the 7 billion people, there is also me and this blog. I write mostly to motivate myself, but I'm glad if you feel it, too.

Until next post.

Music and I

It has been a common knowledge among the people who know me that I am an expressionless human being. I seldom express my feelings out loud to anybody and it got people assuming that there is nothing wrong with me, that everything is always fine. Admittedly, there are only quite a few people who know me significantly and to whom I always open up. Some good friend can even read my gesture and know my thought immediately. This, I suppose, is an exclusivity to them.

However, being expressionless doesn't mean that I don't have feelings whatsoever. 

As a matter of fact, I'm quite an emotional and sentimental person. It's just that I express my feelings differently. Writing has been the most useful way for me to express my feelings to other people, albeit the fact that sometimes I'm being self-conscious and write as less explicitly as I intend to. Another way is through music. Although I can't play any instrument due to the imbalance of my right and left brain (it seems that I use my left brain a lot more than the right one) - this, however, is not scientifically proven, I appreciate music as much as if I can play an instrument. (Those who dated me knew very well that I expressed my 'love' through music as I don't say "I love you" so often.)

I must always have my earplugs on when commuting and enjoying the music and my thoughts as if I'm in different world as with the other passengers. Or sometimes I would have my Kindle with me, too. I always have the music on when I'm studying or simply when am waiting for the class to begin. Suffice to say that music plays an important part in my day-to-day life. 

You see, I enjoy several different type of music. In general, I listen to electro music. It varies from Electro Dance Music (EDM) to electro/tropical house and trance music, and lately I've been listening to chillstep/chill house. It depends on my mood sometimes, too. 

I usually listen to EDM when commuting or when I'm angry at something or someone and there is nothing I can do about it. I'll have Spotify shuffling Hardwell, Martin Garrix, Steve Angelo, Knife Party and even Skrillex (though not so often I listen to his music). The angrier I feel, the more hardcore the music I play because it'll tire my soul out and therefore I will have no energy left to be angry. But ever so often I listen to their music to lift up my mood in the morning. Conversely, when I feel calm and in a good mood, I'll listen to more chilled or trance EDM such as Kygo, Odesza, Axero, Steve Cadey, Tep No, Broken Back, Thoomas Jack, Robin Schulz, Oliver Nelson (the DJ), Zedd and so on. While my favourite trance DJ's are Above & Beyond, Armin van Buuren, ATB and Tiesto.

Some other time, I would play soft/indie pop, too. It's my thinking music. I have my preference ranged between The Passenger,The Lumineers, Birdy, Regina Spektor, Ben Howard, Vance Joy, Andras & Oscar, to Florence and the Machine. I'd also play instrumental jazz at midnight before bed to help me winding down after a long and rough day. And when I need to focus when studying, I'd play classical instrument.

But most of the time, my Spotify plays EDM. 

By now I'm sure you get the idea of how music impacts me and maybe you get a slight hint of my personality. Do you?

Well, some people assumed that I'm such a clubber or party goer by knowing the truth about what kind of music I listen to. That is such a shallow thought. You know, EDM is the kind of music played in clubs. It's the kind of music played in musical events such as Stereosonic, Future, EDC, etc. Sure, it is. But it doesn't mean I'm a regular clubber, though I do go clubbing every once in a very long time (and by it I mean once or twice in a year). Some even thought I smoked weeds and get high while listening to chillstep. Boy, do they know me not so very well. Of course, I didn't bother to explain this long to them. They are not worth my time explaining, anyway. Other people were simply surprised by the kind of music I listen to. Well, I'm full of surprise, baby!

In the end, it's just me and the music I enjoy listening. What I like about music is that I always find the words I'm looking for in the lyrics, or feeling what I feel in the melody and therefore I will listen to whatever music that fits me well and not worry about what people think of me by it.

Until next post.

A Big Victory

Many times I was told that I work too much by my friends. If I don't work, I must be studying. Nana once jokingly said, "It's all about study or work for Rae." There were times I showed up at work looking exhausted from sleeping for not more than four hours at night. Or fell asleep during class. Even Mr. J said something about taking care of myself. 

I know that they're saying those things out of concern. Nevertheless, I feel bad becasue I barely have time to catch up with my good friends. At the end, they understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. Yes, I feel tired that I wish I could take a couple of days off and just sleep. Sunday is my only day off, but instead of having some rest, I have to catch up on assignments or review the materials. Even in midsemester break, which was last week, I did more uni work than taking a break.

Countless times I have been told that I'm being too hard on myself. I don't deny it. I am always being too hard on myself. Although, lately I've been treating myself for any achievement I made but I don't let myself get carried away. Sometimes I'm saying to myself that I shouldn't be too hard on myself, that I should loosen up a bit. Ofttimes I fail to do so. But to be honest, it doesn't bother me at all for failing, because I know how it feels to be hard on myself, putting all the hardwork and in the end it is paid off.

Today marked the day where I feel that the hardwork was paid off. This morning I got an email from a lecturer before class, asking me if she could have my assignment report featured as one of the Assignment Exemplars. Of course, I said yes. And later on in class, my report was the "Exhibit A" for High Distinction report. 

Was I happy? Hell, I was extremely, absolutely, utterly beyond excited. It wasn't easy in process to write the report and it took me 5 weeks to complete it. So when I got her request, all those late nights staying up, researching and complex readings, countless cups of coffee, the exhaustion and headache, they all seemed like nothing compared to the feeling of satisfaction. Surely, this is another achievement for me. 

And I'm going to tell you this: the feeling of achieving something beyond your expectation (and even others'), is just awesome. To have people doubted me, even thinking I'm no better than a useless human being (some of them are those I call family), is what making me work my ass off. It is why I'm always hard on myself. 

Well, today I thanked them for doubting me. I raised my hand in victory. Today, I beat them. 

Rae (1) - (0) Doubters

Until next post. 

No Longer Body Shaming

What would you say if your boss made a comment about your body parts? Would you take is as sexual harassment? Would you be pissed off?

It happened to me the other day. My boss, Mr. J, said, "You have a nice and perky ass, Rae." Well, I thanked him for saying that because I took it as a compliment. Also because I know him well enough and I'm sure that he didn't mean any harm by his comment on my ass. It was a genuine gesture of compliment. 

In the old days, it would probably upset me. My twisted brain would quickly turn the compliment into an insult. Here is maybe the reason why: I don't like being the center of attention and therefore I don't like people noticing me. Unfortunately, I have curvy hips and perky ass. It's just exactly what it needs to make me noticeable. 

During primary school until high school, I took so much effort to hide my assets. I dared not to wear fitted clothes. I hunched my back so my boobs wouldn't stand out, calling for attention. Although I knew my boobs weren't that big. I was 12, for god's sake. (Although, I notice that it gets bigger now after being sexually active. That is not scientifically proven, of course. But whatever. B cup will do me just fine.) As a result, I have a pretty bad posture now. I really need to go see a chiropractor regarding my posture. 

Getting all the compliments about parts of my body now feels somewhat like an eye-opener. I don't have to feel ashamed of it. I've seen some people work harder to get what I have. They have to do squat twice as much as I do, while I was born with it. My coworkers acknowledged it verbally, admitting they checked out my ass and agreed I have the best ass at work. (And no. It wasn't in a way of checking me out the way you're thinking. Whatever it is you're thinking.) Thanks to my dad. It's his feature I inherited, while my brothers got Mum's feature; no hips, flat bum. (Sorry, Mum. But you know I love you still!) 

Knowing this changes many things about me. One, I accept that I'm curvy in some parts of my body, it being my hips and ass. Two, I shouldn't be ashamed of it. Now I can call back to those who ever teased me and called me names back in school and say, "Hey look, I got a nice and perky ass and nice boobs! And you know what? I don't have to spend so much money in gym because I was born with it. Ha! (I still need to excercise, though.) And lastly, I learn to appreciate myself and be more comfortable and confident. By appreciate meaning I should invest more on yoga pants, fitted jeans and low-cut t-shirts (Mum knows I have dozens of V-neck tees.) That's my goal for Boxing Day this year. 

Until next post. 

Facing the Trade-offs

18 August, two years ago, was the day I became an aunt as my nephew, Gabriel, was born. On that day, I congratulated Mum for becoming a grandmother. He is her first grandson and I'm sure she's quite happy about it. A few days ago she celebrated her grandson's second birthday by having a feast and invited the other relatives to the house. I Facetimed her and talked to my nephew and wished him a happy birthday.

He's getting so big now and more active. I can't hold his attention for longer than 10 seconds when I Facetime him. He starts talking. And by talking I mean making a sound of "waaawuuuwaaaawuuuwaaaa". But at least he remembers me and can say my name by following after his mother. When I ask him for a kiss, he will lean forward and kiss me by kissing the screen, with a sound of "mwah". One day, when I was talking to Mum, he reached for the phone and hugged it as if he's hugging me. I burst into laughter, feeling touched. 

Following the happy event was the death of my granduncle. It happened yesterday and I found out in the late evening when I called Mum after work. I wasn't surprise to hear the news, considering that my granduncle was old. He died at age 91. In fact, I was quite calm about it. Maybe because I was in a train and didn't want to be so dramatic by bursting into tears. As I got home I was feeling fine by the news and still even managed to do some final-touch on my report and submit it just in time and, for god's sake, I danced with a grin on my face as the similarity result in Turinitin came out and it was only 8 percent. (For the record, it was nearly 3,850 words report and 8 percent of similarity that was mostly from the reference list, it isn't really bad. In case you don't understand what I'm talking about, well, the similarity prevents plagiarism, which is strictly prohibited in academic fields in here - and I'm sure anywhere else in the world.) 

Until tonight, after I Facetimed Mum and saw the dead body of my granduncle and talked to my grandaunt for a few minutes, the mourn starts to seep into me.

I lost the granduncle I've ever had.

Mum came from a big family so I have so many relatives from her side. But there are not so many elders alive. My grandfather died when I was a kid, and Grandma left us a few years ago.It was quite a loss and I still can't get over it. I never will.

I can only imagine how devastated my grandaunt is over this. She lost a daughter 3 or 4 years ago and she still hasn't been able to cope with the loss, and now she lost her husband. I feel so sorry for her, and for my granduncle.  

How funny life can be sometimes, don't you think? One day we celebrate a happy moment and the next the shove comes to push and turns life upside down.

Then it hit me right in the face. I wasn't there to celebrate Gabriel's first and second birthdays. Hell, I wasn't even there the day he was born. I didn't get to share the happy moment with my family, especially with Chris for becoming a daddy. Although I have my disagreements over his decision to get married so young and many more disagreements on the way he leads his life, and his immature thinking is frustrating the hell out of me, but he is still my blood brother. My baby brother. And I still wished I could be there to celebrate the joy because I love him and I love Gabriel as if he's my own.

And now I'm not there to support my family. Yes, I sent my condolences over the phone but god that almost counts to nothing. They say presence is what matters the most. With the mourn combined, I feel really terrible.

These are the kind of things that I'm going to miss for the decision I made. This, I wonder, if it's a trade-off, or rather a sacrifice. In order to gain something, you have to give in other things. Life always says, you can't have both.

I know that I can arguably count on "this is my life" baloney and I've been living with it since the day I made the decision to migrate here. But in my darkest moment, I feel like I'm not so sure about all this thing anymore. Although, I'm not entertained by the idea of going back home. Because as much as I love my family and the town I grew up in, I swear I will never want to live in there again.

These things, and I'm certain of it, will keep coming on me. There will be another missing happy moments, celebrations and devastating news. But I reckon this is the price I have to pay and I'm not sure if it's even worth it when it comes to my family. For one thing, I'm not having a cold feet and am not going back. Yet, I need to find a way to deal with this terrible and depressing feeling.

Until next post.