The Little Pilgrimage

How's everyone doing? I hope life is treating you all well. Even if you feel like life is being a bitch, well, do still enjoy it not any less than you should.

I have just been back in Melbourne after spending 4 weeks in Indonesia, visiting my family. Three years not going back was indeed quite a long time. The house where I grew out seemed older than what I remembered and the town seemed smaller. The people, however, seemed to stay the same. Or in my case, I have changed so much since I left the town.

Travelling back home, as I have mentioned before, was indeed a little pilgrimage I needed. Revisiting the town, the people, the family and the life I have left behind made me realise that I am so much in a better state of mind, and mental. I can tell it from the way I handled my feelings when I saw everything that had happened in the past all over again and it didn't bother me as it used to. The pain and the hurt feelings that were once rooted so deep inside me, have slowly dissipated. Yes, at this time, I think it is a pity of what had happened to my parents and my family. But it's no longer leaving a trail of bitter feelings that making me blame the situation.

As my intention of the trip was to let go of my past, indeed I have come to let go of many things of my past and it include the people who I had once a relationship with; relatives and friends. I reckon it was not meant to happen at that time because my intention was to let go of my past after all. I have also learned to detach myself from it and accept it as part of me, as I realised it now that I can never change the past and I should not live in it any longer. It's always there and it stays where it should be.

There is a quote that fits perfectly with my experience. It says, "...we don't transcend our lives; we return to the life we left behind in the hopes of something better." I did find something better from my trip home; I found myself.

Now, I have returned to my life in Melbourne and continue doing what I have been doing. Only this time around, I am heading for a new beginning. It starts from me looking for a new place and looking for jobs, still. I have applied for an apartment and hopefully I get it. Fingers crossed that I could also get the job I applied for. This time, I got a referral from the inside, which is an employee of the company. We'll see how it turns out. In the meantime, I'm just waiting and keep doing what I can for now. I have set my intentions out, said it out loud and prayed for it. Now I'm just letting it all works out, letting the universe works its way.

Until next post.

Would I Come Out to My Family?

Many times I've been asked if I would ever come out to my family. My answer is always the same, "No." I don't think that I would, or could, ever come out to my family, particularly to Mum. The reason being is, because I could imagine how they would react, and it wouldn't be a good thing.

The main reason, however, is actually because I love Mum too dearly I could not bear the thought of hurting her in the cruelest way by telling her I'm a lesbian. She would be absolutely devastated if I ever told her that. My other reason is because she has been through a lot and sacrificed so many things in her part to raise her children. Now being a single parent, I can only imagine the burden she's carrying on her shoulders for the sake of the family.

I used to say that maybe I would wait until I could be financially independent. Now I am and have even taken the responsibility of helping Mum funding Vincent's tuition, yet I still can't make myself coming out to her. Maybe, one day I would make up my mind to come out. Or maybe never.

The most important thing about this is that I don't feel the urge to come out to my family. I'm feeling just fine not telling them my true self. More of it is because I believe that my true self is more than just my sexuality preference; it is my personality, perspective, it is the way I see life, my values, principles, and belief. 

I admit that being surrounded by people who know and accept my sexual preference feels really good. Yet, again, to me my sexual preference is the last thing that would come up in my head. I do think about it sometimes, contemplating the idea to come out. But I never act on it for it's just something that is less important to me to deal with because life is big and living a life is what is important. That being said, I'm too busy living my life and paying bills to be thinking too much about coming out.

So, would I ever come out to my family? Only time can tell.

Until next post.

With the Family

It's been a week since I sent the family off and life's back to the way it used to be; the alone and quiet, nearly boring life. Being on my own now I realise that I did love having the family around, knowing that they would be at home waiting for me. Mum would then fix us a dinner after I shower, and Vincent would give me a massage before I go to bed. Oh, it was such a heaven! After a month they stayed with me, going home to nobody is definitely taking me a while to get use to.

As expected, it took them sometime to get around town by walking. Despite that Melbourne has better and more reliable public transport than any other city, walking long distance is also unavoidable to get you to the places you need to be. Though, after sometime they got use to it and were able to go out and wander around the city by themselves while I was at work.

Weather is another thing for them to cope with. Summer in Melbourne can be quite rough, particularly in scorch days that may reach up to 44 degrees (in Celsius), meanwhile the temperature may decrease down to 10 degrees at night. It's either way too hot or way too cold for them, but they made it through. I've made a mental note that I won't be able to fly Mum here during winter because she won't be able to handle the cold.

During their stay, I took them around when I was not working. They arrived one day prior to the graduation day, so that day I took them to the city. It was the first time for them taking a tram ride. The next day was the graduation so we were busy getting prepared. They came with me to the parade in the morning and then we spent some time taking pictures, then we had a lunch before heading out to Etihad Stadium for the graduation ceremony. It was indeed a night full of pride for me and my family.

For the next few days, I walked them around from Federation Square down to Yarra River and further up to the Shrine of Remembrance and Botanical Garden. In New Year's Eve we went to the city to watch the fireworks display. I also took them to Docklands, Melbourne Aquarium, Eureka Tower, Luna Park and St Kilda Beach, and, of course, the Queen Victoria Market, the place that Mum was so keen on going since she arrived. Later on, I also took her to the market close by the house, the Preston Market. You see, of all places that I took her, Woolworths and the markets were her absolute favourite places to go. She would end up buying ingredients and then cook them. How can I not love her dearly when she cooked me heaps of food that would last me for months?

The view from Yarra River

The view from Eureka Tower

St Kilda Beach

Federation Square in NYE

One day after New Year was Mum's birthday. I'm grateful that this year I had the chance to celebrate her birthday. We (and by "we" I mean more likely Mum) cooked some dishes and celebrated her birthday by having the meals. A friend of mine came over and my housemate bought a birthday cake.

On the last day, we went for a drive to Great Ocean Road. It was also my first time of going there. We stopped by at several stopping points to take scenery shots, and my favourite is the Teddy's Lookout, where you can see the beach and further the ocean. By night we finally arrived at the Twelve Apostles. There are actually only 8 apostles left by now but the name is kept as it is. We got there just right in time as the sun set and it was the most fascinating view I've ever seen.

The view from one of the lookouts

The Great Ocean Road, taken from atop the Teddy's Lookout

6 out of the 12 apostles

Lies atop is the road to Port Campbell

The Twelve Apostles Lookout

The other 2 apostles

Well, that's rounded up the trips. Next time I would surely take them to see more things, including the Gibson Steps and many more around the Great Ocean Road. In the meantime, I might go for a trip to Grampians with a friend this February. And what's coming soon is that I would probably go to Melbourne Pride this coming Sunday. Fingers crossed I don't cancel it last minute and decide to bail on my friend who's been begging me to come. Story to be told next, if I make it there. 

Until next post.

P.S. All pictures are credited to my brother.  

Facing the Trade-offs

18 August, two years ago, was the day I became an aunt as my nephew, Gabriel, was born. On that day, I congratulated Mum for becoming a grandmother. He is her first grandson and I'm sure she's quite happy about it. A few days ago she celebrated her grandson's second birthday by having a feast and invited the other relatives to the house. I Facetimed her and talked to my nephew and wished him a happy birthday.

He's getting so big now and more active. I can't hold his attention for longer than 10 seconds when I Facetime him. He starts talking. And by talking I mean making a sound of "waaawuuuwaaaawuuuwaaaa". But at least he remembers me and can say my name by following after his mother. When I ask him for a kiss, he will lean forward and kiss me by kissing the screen, with a sound of "mwah". One day, when I was talking to Mum, he reached for the phone and hugged it as if he's hugging me. I burst into laughter, feeling touched. 

Following the happy event was the death of my granduncle. It happened yesterday and I found out in the late evening when I called Mum after work. I wasn't surprise to hear the news, considering that my granduncle was old. He died at age 91. In fact, I was quite calm about it. Maybe because I was in a train and didn't want to be so dramatic by bursting into tears. As I got home I was feeling fine by the news and still even managed to do some final-touch on my report and submit it just in time and, for god's sake, I danced with a grin on my face as the similarity result in Turinitin came out and it was only 8 percent. (For the record, it was nearly 3,850 words report and 8 percent of similarity that was mostly from the reference list, it isn't really bad. In case you don't understand what I'm talking about, well, the similarity prevents plagiarism, which is strictly prohibited in academic fields in here - and I'm sure anywhere else in the world.) 

Until tonight, after I Facetimed Mum and saw the dead body of my granduncle and talked to my grandaunt for a few minutes, the mourn starts to seep into me.

I lost the granduncle I've ever had.

Mum came from a big family so I have so many relatives from her side. But there are not so many elders alive. My grandfather died when I was a kid, and Grandma left us a few years ago.It was quite a loss and I still can't get over it. I never will.

I can only imagine how devastated my grandaunt is over this. She lost a daughter 3 or 4 years ago and she still hasn't been able to cope with the loss, and now she lost her husband. I feel so sorry for her, and for my granduncle.  

How funny life can be sometimes, don't you think? One day we celebrate a happy moment and the next the shove comes to push and turns life upside down.

Then it hit me right in the face. I wasn't there to celebrate Gabriel's first and second birthdays. Hell, I wasn't even there the day he was born. I didn't get to share the happy moment with my family, especially with Chris for becoming a daddy. Although I have my disagreements over his decision to get married so young and many more disagreements on the way he leads his life, and his immature thinking is frustrating the hell out of me, but he is still my blood brother. My baby brother. And I still wished I could be there to celebrate the joy because I love him and I love Gabriel as if he's my own.

And now I'm not there to support my family. Yes, I sent my condolences over the phone but god that almost counts to nothing. They say presence is what matters the most. With the mourn combined, I feel really terrible.

These are the kind of things that I'm going to miss for the decision I made. This, I wonder, if it's a trade-off, or rather a sacrifice. In order to gain something, you have to give in other things. Life always says, you can't have both.

I know that I can arguably count on "this is my life" baloney and I've been living with it since the day I made the decision to migrate here. But in my darkest moment, I feel like I'm not so sure about all this thing anymore. Although, I'm not entertained by the idea of going back home. Because as much as I love my family and the town I grew up in, I swear I will never want to live in there again.

These things, and I'm certain of it, will keep coming on me. There will be another missing happy moments, celebrations and devastating news. But I reckon this is the price I have to pay and I'm not sure if it's even worth it when it comes to my family. For one thing, I'm not having a cold feet and am not going back. Yet, I need to find a way to deal with this terrible and depressing feeling.

Until next post.

Only for tonight I am heart broken

Do you know, that my dream when I was a little was to become an astronaut? It sounds cliche, I know, but I really wanted to be an astronaut. For some reason I fancied the profession. I fancied the space, galaxies, stars, planets, space travel, spaceships, space suits. If I were ever to be an astronaut, I'd definitely look bulky in space suit, but cool at the same time. When I look at all of those pictures in a book, I used to imagine how would it feel to be in space, floating. I imagined that the view would be breathtaking. And quiet. It must be eerily quiet in space and I like it. 

But little did little Rae know that in order to be an astronaut she must study science. She must love science. Unfortunately, as she grew up and started high school she found out that she hated science. Her brain didn't work well for science, and oh my god she hated Math. But she needed to graduate high school, so she made a truce with science and get along with it although she suffered her entire high school life. She made it, of course. Through high school. She graduated with average grades in science. It wasn't bad but clearly it wasn't enough for her to pursue her dream to be an astronaut.

Now, the grown up Rae has to be happy enough with being an accountant as a lifetime career. 

I do still fancy everything about space, mind you. I feel calm just by picturing space in my head. I can actually feel the quietness and it's kind of therapeutic. More to it, I find . . . peace. Just awhile ago I was in space, floating. (Not literally, of course.) I have this favorite spot in space and it's between Earth and Mars. Closer to Earth that I still can see it but floating on the way to Mars. You know, the distance between Earth and Mars is 225,300,000 km long, and it can take you months or even years to travel to and from Mars. The distance is constantly changing, though, as both planets travel around the sun. So I don't want to float too far just in case I get lost and can't get back to Earth.

It has become my thing, you know. Whenever I feel sad or lonely, I'll happily visit my favorite spot and stay there for a few minutes. Like today. Today is Labour's Day and it's a public holiday. I'm dying to have a day off because I really need some rest. Hence, I called in sick and didn't go to work. I know I need the money but dear goodness it's just one day of rest. Supposedly I enjoyed it. But this morning, I woke up at 9 and there was one message from Chris, my brother. He sent me a photo of Dad and the woman he cheated on Mum with, and some family friends. The photo was taken recently. Just a few days old. I remember Mum told me that some people saw them together about last week. But the news didn't sink in me until now because I was too busy thinking about study (but never actually did.)

When I saw the photo I was . . . I felt betrayed. At first I couldn't recognise them, except for Dad and the woman. So I asked Chris who are they and he told me. Instantly I was in rage as I found out who are the people in the photo. It's a family and I know them from Church. They are a well known family in Church. Hell, they are a religious family from what I know. Yet, there they were, posing for a picture with Dad and the bloody woman who tore my family apart. How could they do this to Mum? To us? Within a few clicks I found the daughter in the photo on Facebook. I was a click away to send her a hatred message. But I counted to ten and closed the application and then I cried. I prayed, and it's something that I rarely do, while crying. I don't know what I prayed about, really.

I never intended to be such a labile bitch with emotion like a roller-coaster. Just about last night I was feeling so good and happy and determined. And tonight I'm feeling . . . heart broken. I tried to forget about the photo and distracted myself with reading course guides, making a study plan on the planner, then watched a couple of movies. I took a few hours nap in the afternoon then woke up and did my laundry. I ate and showered, watched another movie. Then everything started sinking in after that. I cried again. All of a sudden the dam broke loose. I think I'm too heart broken to keep my tears from falling. Besides, it's been a while since I cried.   

Just for tonight, I promise myself. Just for tonight I don't want to be tough. Tonight I don't have to have my tough face on. Right now I don't have to be a superwoman. Only for tonight I'm letting myself broken. And only for tonight I let myself floating in space until I fall asleep. Because tomorrow, when I wake up, is a brand new day and I will leave this behind (doesn't mean I will ever forgive them). Because starting tomorrow I will have to focus back on uni and follow the study plan I've created. And there's also work.

It's only for tonight I stay in the sanctuary of my favorite spot in space, and I'll be back to my true self in the morning . . . .

Until next post.

Updates on Mum

Days after the incident happened, Mum is still a bit unwell. But she's being medically treated and is progressing. Slowly. But she's getting there. I called her earlier this afternoon before I clock in for work. She sounded ill. Her voice was raucous and she told me her chest is still aching. Upon hearing this, my thought lingered to Dad and I pondered on how did this thing with us and him get this far. The feelings I've been trying to lock away suddenly poured all over me. I busied myself at work and pushed the thought of Dad away for awhile.

I'll try to write this as calmly and less fiercely as I can possibly be and not spit every single thing about my feelings toward Dad. Because I tend to be like a volcano spurting fierce lava whenever the topic of Dad is brought up. To help me out with this, I have my Spotify playing calming music, accompanied by the sound of rain tapping on the roof. I took a shower before and now am snuggled on my comfy bed. You see, I'm making an effort here. Let's see if I can maintain it as I proceed.

There was one time I wrote about Dad, sent it to Sepoci Kopi and was published. Let me see if I can find it... Aha, here it is: Father and I. Looking at the date it was published, apparently it was five years ago. Wow. How time flies. I was five years younger then, when I wrote the article. Everything was alright. Or at least it seemed alright to me. We were just like any other family. Mum, Dad and us, the children. It wasn't a picture-perfect family but it was a complete one. And we were together as family.

It didn't take a long time to destroy the twenty-five years marriage. In fact, it only took one single mighty-earth-shattering earthquake. Unfortunate, wasn't it? That's what people said. Everyone seemed to have their own opinion. Friends of family's got split up into two sides: Team Mum at the right side and Team Dad at the left side. Later we found out that they even argued about who was to blame. Just so you know, many blamed Mum and said things they don't even understand. Friends of hers turned their backs on her and aligned with Team Dad. For some other people, they didn't want to get involve with it but surely the news was something they were eager to talk about whenever there they had a chance. They would talk about it for hours, weighing down the facts and the rumors, and then jumped to a conclusion. They seemed to forget that they actually didn't know a single shit about us. Yet, they still talked about it in a gossipy kind of way. It was like pouring a gasoline into a burning fire.

While for me, and my brothers, it was simply a hell.

Years now, and the fire is still shimmering inside me. Thinking of what Dad has done to us makes the fire ablaze. Once in a while I would ask myself these questions:

1. Do I hate him?
2. Am I holding a grudge against him?
3. Did he even mean it when he disowned me in front of people?
4. Do I care if he didn't love me? 
5. Do I hate him?

The answer to all those questions is I don't know. People often exhort me, saying things like "he's your dad, no matter what", "forgive him for he doesn't know what he's doing" and blah blah blah. I blocked them out because, really, he knew exactly what he was doing and don't try to justify his wrongdoings just because he's my dad. I'm utterly, utterly aware that he is my dad. Duh. It just makes me sick, the way they try to console me by bringing up morality. Morality doesn't do justice in this matter. And justice is all I want.

Looking at him now, watching how his life has turned upside down ever since, I can't help but feeling satisfied. Am I happy to see him living in failure? Maybe yes, maybe no. I may not know the answer right now as he's still very much walking around in pride. But it doesn't feel wrong to me to feel happy when the time comes for justice, either. Maybe by then I will find out my true feeling. We'll wait and see.

I just got off the phone with Mum and she sounded better than she did this afternoon. She talked about my nephew and there was a faint of gleefulness in her voice. She always sounds happy whenever she talks about Gabriel, her grandson. Listening to her, I know exactly one thing. That Mum is all that matters. 

Until next post.

Mum is Unwell

Living by myself, faraway from family and kinsfolk, I've possessed a habit of never turning off my mobile phone. Even when I go to sleep. I set the 'Do Not Disturb' mode to be automatically on from 12 a.m. until 8 a.m., meaning my phone will be on silent mode during that time and only my family can reach me through phone calls. Other than my family, well, all the calls will go to my voicemail and any other notifications will be silenced. Reason is, just in case something bad happens at home and I need to be informed, that's why I never turn my phone off, while at the same time I do still need my beauty sleep.

You know, for years and I still jump whenever my phone rings or beeps or even vibrates and turns out It's from my family. Ever since I moved out of the house, it's always been me calling them. So, whenever they ring me, in my head I think it must be a bad news. It doesn't always a bad news whenever they call or message me, I know. Like a couple of nights before, I received a message from Mum right before I went to bed. I didn't call her that night as I got home really late and thought she was in bed already. But when I saw 'Mum' on the screen, my heart skipped a beat. I frantically clicked on the message and read it. Apparently she was just asking where I was and after I replied saying I just got home and about to sleep, coming her reply saying to have a good rest, remember to pray before bed and take vitamins. I was relieved and realised that I was holding my breath while waiting for her to drop the bomb. Turned out no bomb that night. 

But one afternoon, it was about last week, there was indeed a bomb. I got a call from my uncle and he dropped the bomb as soon as I picked up. My heart didn't even have the chance to skip a beat. He told me that Mum was in a hospital as we speak. I turned limp. My knees felt like jellies I had to hold on to the table and slowly take a seat. Seemed like my worst nightmare just came true. I asked for details and he told me briefly about what happened as he was on the way to see Mum. He said, "your dad punched her in the chest and ran away." That should have explained enough of why Mum was hurt. As my brain started processing everything, my blood was boiled into lava. I was definitely in rage I wish I could fly back home at the second and find Dad for what... a vengeance? I don't know. But I couldn't and all I did was calling Mum and waiting for updates. 

How did my family turned into this? Well, to tell you the story, I have to go a few years back of my life and my family's. It was three years ago, around mid 2012, Dad filed a divorce paper to Mum. After twenty-five years of marriage, he wanted to divorce Mum for the most dubious reason. I was there with Mum on the day she received the paper. She knew nothing about it before and receiving the paper was a bit likely a shock. I took the letter from her hands after she'd done reading it. I read something about 'couldn't get along' somewhere in the lines. Twenty-five years and he said they both couldn't get along? I nearly laughed at the statement if it weren't for Mum's distress expression. There was a faint of heart-broken in her face, too. Maybe, she couldn't believe that Dad would do it. Maybe, she thought they both could get through the shock wave. It's a family after all and they both had been through a lot. They had zero nothing when they got married until we had almost everything; houses, cars, lands, and all kind properties that I didn't even know we owned.

After that day, Mum's life had been spent in court, defending what being her and us, the children's, rights. Even until now, this matter has not yet been resolved. 

I'm not going to go into tiny little details because it will be a 1001 tales if I do. It will probably bore you to death. Let's just say that my family is not the same after the divorce. In a bad way, Dad is now out of our lives. In a good way, well, I'm not sure if there's any good about this, actually. But to see the bright side, Mum is happier now, despite the things that burdened her as a single parent. She single-handles everything without having to concern Dad. She's now the captain of the ship. (She's always been even before they got divorced, frankly speaking.) Earlier I called her, asking how is she now. She's still a bit unwell but she's being medically treated. And I know I can't rest assure until she is well.

Then, how does this event affect my relationship with Dad? Well, it's something that I will tell you some other time. Right now, my mind is too occupied with Mum's health, deferred exams and my visa renewing process. I can't let whatever feeling I have about Dad to stress me out even more than I already am. Besides, I still have to figure it out. In the meantime, my only concern is Mum and only Mum.

Until next post.

Mother and I

Semalam aku mengobrol dengan Mama hingga larut. Banyak hal yang kami bicarakan, termasuk aku mendengarkan keluh-kesah Mama mengenai masalah ini dan itu. Kalau kupikir-pikir, seringkali aku merasa sulit untuk berkomunikasi dengan Mama. Entah karena Mama yang terlalu sibuk dengan urusan ini-itu sehingga membuatku tidak ingin menambah beban pikiran Mama dengan masalah pribadiku, atau karena memang aku merasa ada sedikit jarak di antara kami. Tapi apapun itu, ada saat-saat di mana aku dan Mama bisa mengobrol leluasa seperti tadi malam.

Aku bukan tipe anak yang bisa bermanja-manja, tidak seperti Si Bungsu yang bisa dengan leluasa bergelayutan atau minta dikelonin Mama. Makanya aku ini dibilang kurang ekspresif, sehingga Mama kadang berpikir aku ini tidak peduli. Mama pun akhirnya mengakui kalau sebenarnya ia rindu untuk bisa mengbrol denganku. Ia rindu untuk mengeluarkan segala isi hatinya kepadaku karena sebetulnya sedang ada masalah pelik yang kami hadapi. Apalagi aku adalah anak perempuan satu-satunya. Aku tentu saja merasa bersalah karena selama ini seringkali aku menjadikan perbedaan pendapat di antara kami sebagai alasan untuk memunculkan jarak.

Aneh ya, betapa aku merasa Mama sulit memahamiku, tetapi Mama justru tahu makanan kesukaanku bahkan sampai warna favoritku. Mama tahu aku tipe anak yang seperti apa, meski kadangkala ia masih juga memaksakan keinginannya agar aku, juga kedua adikku, sama sepertinya. Mulai dari karakter, cara berpikir, sampai dengan cara melakukan bisnis. Namun di lain waktu, ia tahu betul hal apa yang kusukai dan yang tidak kusukai. Mama memang tumbuh dengan didikan yang keras dari Oma sehingga menjadikan ia seorang yang tegas. Sekali saja Mama bersuara keras, orang-orang pasti ketakutan, termasuk aku. Namun ketika aku bisa memaklumi keadaan Mama, saat itu juga kami bisa mengobrol dari hati ke hati.

Sekarang ini, dengan waktu kepergianku yang kian singkat ini, aku jadi semakin memikirkan Mama. Maksudku, aku mengkhawatirkan keadaan Mama di sini. Ketika aku pergi, tidak ada lagi yang menyetiri ia kemana-mana. Memang teknologi saat ini memudahkan kami untuk tetap bisa berkomunikasi, namun tidak akan sama jika aku berada di sini. Pokoknya banyak hal yang memenuhi kepalaku saat ini. Bukannya aku tidak kepingin pergi lagi, hanya saja aku sangat mengkhawatirkan banyak hal di sini, terutama Mama.

Ketika aku mengutarakan kekhawatiranku itu, Mama malah justru berkata, "tidak usah terlalu kamu pikirkan. Justru Mama yang khawatir dengan keadaanmu di sana nanti. Yang paling penting kamu harus membuktikan bahwa kamu bisa berhasil." Kemudian diikuti dengan nasehat agar aku selalu rajin berdoa, jaga diri, dan jangan sampai lupa menikah. Tetap deh, yang terakhir itu tidak ketinggalan.

Meskipun sampai detik ini aku masih khawatir, bahkan juga ketika aku tiba di sana dan memulai kehidupan yang baru di sana, aku tidak akan pernah berhenti khawatir. Satu keinginanku, yaitu bisa memboyong Mama ikut denganku suatu saat nanti. Aku baru akan berhenti khawatir jika Mama sudah bersamaku lagi.

Satu hal yang sudah pasti akan kurindukan yaitu bisa mengobrol dengan Mama sebelum tidur, atau menyetirinya ke tempat tujuan sambil mendengarkan ocehannya sepanjang perjalanan. Pokoknya akan ada banyak hal yang kutahu pasti akan kurindukan dari Mama. Dan aku berharap bahwa suatu saat nanti bisa membuat Mama hidup senang, tidak perlu lagi memikirkan beban keluarga. Hanya menikmati sisa hidup saja, sambil ia melakukan hal yang sejak dulu sudah menjadi kerinduannya, yaitu melayani.

The Wedding

"Giliranmu kapan?" Itu pertanyaan yang seharian penuh dilontarkan kepadaku di hari pernikahan adikku.

"Wah, masih lama," jawabku asal saja.

"Keduluan si adik dong." Komentar lain yang turut disembur para undangan.

"Iya nih. Akunya masih belum jelas kapan, makanya kubiarkan saja dia menduluiku. Daripada dia depresi karena kelamaan menungguku. Ha ha ha," balasku, lebih asal lagi.

"Cepat-cepatlah kamu cari. Jangan kelamaan, nanti keburu tua." Komentar yang lain. Tak mau menyerah sepertinya mereka, sampai aku mengenakan baju pengantin. Idih, mau cari di mana? Apa perlu kupasang iklan di sini, begitu?Bunyinya: "Ayo, ayo, yang mau sama aku, mari mendaftar." Mending ada yang daftar ya. Tapi itu namanya sudah usaha, kan? Kalau dapat, ya syukur. Gak dapat, tragis. *kode Nita* Ha ha ha.

Jadi begitulah, pernikahan berlangsung dan aku sukses wara-wiri sehari penuh dengan high heels dan rambut yang terlalu banyak disemprot hair spray. Satu hal yang membuatku sadar saat itu, selain make up-ku yang tebal, adalah sekarang adikku yang satu itu telah memilih jalan hidupnya; berkeluarga. Sebuah keputusan yang kuharap telah dipikirnya baik-baik, mengingat usianya yang masih termasuk cukup muda untuk memulai sebuah keluarga. Sebagai seorang kakak tentu aku mengharapkan yang terbaik bagi keluarga barunya.

Sekarang tersisa aku dan Si Bungsu. Kupikir masih ada waktu yang cukup lama untuk dia juga melangkahiku, mengingat usianya yang terpaut 8 tahun dariku. Masih muda, masih hijau. Eh, tapi siapa tahu setelah pasang iklan lalu ada yang melamar? Ha ha ha!!!

Ah, sudah mulai meracau postingannya. Kuakhiri dulu sampai di sini. Pokoknya aku selalu mendoakan kebahagiaan dan keutuhan keluarga adikku. Dan tentu saja dengan senang hati kubiarkan dia menduluiku. Sudah dulu ya, mumpung sedang berada di luar kota, aku kepingin berburu makanan. Yuk!

The Next "The Osbournes"

Semuanya berawal dari tagihan listrik yang membludak. Entah bagaimana bisa tagihan listrik untuk bulan ini melonjak hinggak 4 jutaan rupiah. Tak masuk akal! Tentu saja kami segera mengajukan komplain di kantor PLN. Dan meskipun jika memang jumlah penggunaan listrik di rumah sebanyak itu - yang sepertinya tidak mungkin - kami akan membayarnya. Tapi untuk awalnya, kami hanya ingin kejelasan dengan angka yang tertera pada meteran.

Baru berselang satu hari sejak tanggal pembayaran, tiga orang petugas PLN tiba-tiba datang dengan tujuan memutuskan aliran listrik di rumah. Dan dengan seenak jidatnya, mereka memotong kabel sambungan listrik. Oh, tidak tahukah kalian bahwa kalian baru saja membangunkan singa betina yang sedang tidur? Tidak berselang lima menit setelah petugas-petugas keparat itu pergi, Mama langsung mengaum.

Segera kami berdua berangkat menuju kantor PLN. Seperti yang sudah gue duga, Mama langsung saja mengamuk di sana, membuat semua karyawan terperanjat. Gue cukup berdiri di belakang Mama, agak jauh, dan tidak melakukan apa-apa. Juga tidak berkata-kata. Hanya... bengong. Setelah diberi penjelasan mengenai segala tetek bengek administrasi oleh salah seorang petugas, (yang kelihatannya agak sedikit ketakutan) Mama menyuruh gue ke ATM terdekat untuk melakukan pembayaran. Meski agak ragu meninggalkannya sendirian di sana, gue segera angkat kaki, daripada gue ikutan kena auman.

Lima belas menit kemudian, gue kembali sambil mengayun-ayunkan struk pembayaran ATM layaknya mengayunkan bendera kemenangan. Ternyata sudah ada Papa dan si Tengah yang ikut datang meramaikan suasana. The more the merrier! Mama dan Papa menuntut penggantian kabel, sekaligus menuntut ketiga petugas keparat itu.

Entah bagaimana kejadiannya hingga kami semua berakhir di kantor polisi. Yang jelas melibatkan adu jotos di depan kantor PLN. Sementara Papa dan Mama saling beradu argumen dengan pihak polisi, meminta untuk menghukum tiga petugas bodoh tadi. Lucu ya. Baru beberapa malam yang lalu mereka saling meneriaki satu sama lain, dan sekarang mereka malah meneriaki polisi. Gue memandangi mereka dari sudut ruangan. Pandangan gue beralih dari Papa Mama-polisi-Pama Mama-polisi, seperti sedang menonton pertandingan tenis.

Tiga petugas tadi hampir saja masuk bui jika bukan karena si Tengah tahu-tahu masuk sambil membawa-bawa samurai. Iya, samurai! Dia membawa samurai ke kantor polisi! Entah dari mana dia belinya. Gue hanya mampu melotot sambil menahan tawa. Papa dan Mama berhenti meneriaki polisi. Tiga petugas PLN sedikit ketakutan, dan polisi dengan bingung menatap adik gue itu. Kasus yang tadinya ingin menghukum para petugas keparat itu kini malah beralih pada kasus kepemilikan benda tajam oleh adik gue.

Geblek!

Tapi untunglah semuanya berakhir tanpa ada yang masuk bui. Kabel pun sudah diganti dan lampu kembali menyala.

Ampun deh. Melihat kejadian tadi, gue merasa memiliki keluarga seperti "The Osbournes," yang penuh dengan kekonyolan. If it were a family reality show, we'd surely defeat theirs. Pantaslah jika dijuluki "The Osbournes versi Indonesia."

Retak

Malam menjelang larut. Kali ini gue memilih membaca fanfiction dari laptop sebelum tidur. Sesekali terdengar suara tawa renyah dari kamar sebelah. Kedua adik gue mungkin sedang bermain Play Station atau menonton DVD Korea. Suara Mama terdengar samar dari ruang keluarga di lantai bawah. Sedang mengobrol sama Papa mungkin.

Selama beberapa saat suasana cukup hening. Gue larut dalam cerita yang tengah dibaca. Beberapa fic memiliki gagasan yang cemerlang dan jalan cerita yang tak terprediksi, lucu, sedih, dan mengharukan. Chemistry antar pairing yang mereka ciptakan sangat kuat, sampai-sampai gue berpikir bahwa seharusnya karakter-karakter tersebut benar-benar menjadi pasangan dalam cerita yang sebenarnya. Saking asyiknya gue tidak menyadari keributan kecil yang terjadi.

Suara Mama yang tadinya samar, kini meninggi dan terdengar jelas dari dalam kamar. Jelas ada amarah dalam nadanya. Papa yang biasanya diam dan membiarkan Mama mengoceh sesukanya, sekarang malah ikutan bersuara keras. Kaget, gue segera melongokkan kepala dari balik pintu, tepat saat kedua adik gue keluar dari kamar mereka. Keduanya segera turun, bukan untuk menengahi, tapi jelas untuk membela Mama. Sementara gue memilih untuk menonton dari atas, di balik railing.

Waktu kecil, saat gue mungkin baru berusia 7 atau 8 tahun, sesekali mendengar mereka beradu argumen. Ketika itu, Oma pasti langsung membawa gue dan si Tengah masuk ke kamar. Tidak etis jika menyaksikan pertengkaran orangtua. Dan lagi mungkin karena beliau merasa kami terlalu kecil untuk paham. Mungkin adik gue tidak, tapi gue sudah cukup besar untuk mengerti apa yang mereka pertengkarkan. Namun gue tidak memiliki keberanian untuk angkat suara, juga karena usia gue. Hanya ada ketakutan yang melilit perut.

Sekarang agak sedikit berbeda. Seiring bertambah usia, kami bertiga sama-sama mahfum akan alasan di balik adu argumen mereka. Hanya saja, kedua adik gue selalu mampu mengambil tindakan nyata dalam memihak, yaitu Mama. Bungsu malah pernah mecoret wajah Papa dengan tanda silang di semua foto keluarga dengan spidol. Untungnya masih bisa dihapus, meskipun sekarang malah menjadi bahan ledekan yang bakal membuat kami tertawa terpingkal-pingkal. Dan si Tengah pasti selalu siap beraksi jika terjadi sesuatu dengan Mama.

Sementara gue? Gue masih sama seperti gue 17 tahun yang lalu. Memahami, namun tidak ada tindakan nyata. Tidak juga memihak. Ketakutan masih selalu melilit. Bahkan saat itu gue memilih untuk mengunci diri di kamar dan memasang earplugs. Tak mampu menyaksikan atau mendengarkan mereka berdua melontarkan argumen dengan nada kasar, apalagi mendekati mereka berdua.

Kenapa gue tidak bisa memihak? Jangankan memihak, berdiri di tengah pun gue tidak bisa. Somehow, gue lebih suka berada di luar lingkaran, seperti anak bawang. Kenapa? Itu selalu yang menjadi pertanyaan gue. Padahal gue ini anak sulung. Seharusnya berani angkat suara. Berani menentukan pihak. Atau setidaknya berani menengahi. Bukannya sembunyi seperti pengecut, macam kucing yang disiram air.

Mungkin karena Mama sering curhat sama gue. Papa juga begitu, meski jarang. Dan itu yang membuat gue tidak mampu memihak. Atau karena sesuai zodiak, gue ini termasuk orang yang tidak menyukai perpecahan dan keributan. Cukup damai-damai saja.

Oh, tentu saja itu demi penghiburan diri. Karena sebenarnya ketakutan, kecemasan dan putus asa mulai meresap perlahan dan meretakkan jiwa. Dan sungguh, tak ada yang lebih menakutkan dari itu.

Kala Mereka Tidak Mampu Memahami

Mungkin Mama termasuk seorang ibu yang mengerti anak-anaknya. Terhadap gue misalnya, ia tahu apa makanan kesukaan, warna favorit, kebiasaan-kebiasaan yang baik dan buruk, bahkan sampai pada sifat gue yang sedikit pendiam dan tertutup jika berada di antara keluarga. Untuk yang terakhir itu, Mama sering frustrasi karena katanya gue TERLALU pendiam, sehingga terkesan cuek.

Well, sebenarnya ada alasan kenapa gue sedikit (menurut takaran gue) tertutup dan pendiam. Tapi bukan itu yang ingin gue tulis untuk saat ini. Mungkin nanti, jika saatnya tepat.

Gue juga sedikit banyak mengerti tentang Mama; sifat maupun jalan pikirannya. Gue cukup mengerti sehingga sanggup mendengar keluh kesahnya, yang sepertinya sudah menggunung, tentang beban hidupnya. Dan Mama cukup paham bahwa gue bisa menjadi pendengar yang-tidak-pernah-berkomentar. Namun di antara saling pengertian itu, ada satu hal yang tidak pernah bisa Mama pahami tentang satu-dua hal yang sering gue lakukan: [1] duduk berjam-jam di depan laptop, dan [2] membaca buku.

Gue tidak terlalu ambil pusing jika Mama tidak paham kenapa gue betah duduk berlama-lama di depan laptop. Paling-paling kalau gue sudah mengeluh sakit punggung, pasti tuduhannya dijatuhkan kepada sang laptop. Tapi soal membaca buku, Mama seringkali protes berlebihan. Komentar-komentarnya mengenai kegemaran gue ini juga sesekali menusuk, menancap tepat di hati. Katanya, "Buang-buang duit beli buku, gunanya apa? Dijual ulang juga ga bisa." (Ibaratnya gue ini beli buku untuk dijual lagi. Ouch!)

Bukan salah Mama sepenuhnya jika ia tidak mengerti akan kegiatan membeli dan membaca buku gue. Maksudnya, selama ini juga gue tidak pernah berusaha untuk menjelaskan kepada Mama alasan kenapa gue senang membaca. Yang Mama tahu, sifat gemar membaca ini diturunkan langsung dari Papa. Iya, buah jatuh tak jauh dari pohonnya memang.

Well, bukannya tidak ingin memberikan penjelasan sekaligus pembelaan diri. Hanya saja betapa kuatpun gue berusaha menjelaskan, Mama tetap tidak akan bisa paham. Sama seperti gue yang tidak akan pernah paham mengapa orang mau saja mengeluarkan banyak uang demi sepotong baju, dan malah perhitungan jika menyangkut soal makanan. (Meskipun gue juga sebenarnya bisa menghabiskan ratusan ribu untuk belanja baju, hanya jika gue sedang membutuhkan sebuah baju.)

Dan lagi, sangat tidak mungkin jika gue katakan bahwa kegiatan membaca itu buat gue adalah suatu kegiatan yang sakral, seperti halnya bercinta. Membaca itu nikmat seperti bercinta; membuka bungkus plastiknya sama seperti foreplay; mencium aroma buku baru sama seperti mencium aroma tubuh pasangan; melahap isi bukunya sama seperti menikmati setiap inci tubuh pasangan dan merasakan sensasi sentuhannya; dan orgasme yang membawa pada puncak kenikmatan langit ketujuh dan membuat tubuh bergetar saat cerita berakhir dan buku ditutup. Benar-benar candu. (Meskipun gue bukan pecandu seks. Catat lho ya.)

Sebuah pemikiran bahwa kemungkinan besar orang-orang tidak akan memahami pemikiran gue yang membuat gue seringkali memilih untuk diam. Gue lebih suka membiarkan mereka dengan pemahamannya sendiri terhadap gue, tanpa harus ada pembenaran ataupun koreksi. Membiarkan ketidakpahaman mereka mengambang di udara.

Seperti itu, maka gue bisa hidup lebih bebas tanpa harus terbebani dengan apa yang dikatakan orang. Tak juga perlu merasa terganggu. Like one said, "People tend to believe what they want to believe, see what they want to see."

Something Missing

Selama beberapa tahun sebelumnya, anggota keluarga gue terpencar di mana-mana. Gue di daerah ini, bokap di daerah itu, nyokap di daerah sana, kedua adik gue di daerah situ. Semuanya mencar dan hidup terpisah karena tuntutan kerjaan bagi bokap dan nyokap gue serta tuntutan sekolah untuk gue dan adik-adik gue. Baru bisa ngumpul saat liburan Natal dan Tahun Baru aja, yang artinya cuma sekali dalam setahun.

Sekarang semuanya sudah kembali ke rumah. Bokap baru saja pensiun dini dan kembali pulang, gue udah selesai kuliah dan kerja dan akhirnya dipanggil pulang, adik gue yang pertama juga udah selesai kuliah dan pulang lagi, sementara si bontot juga meskipun nge-kost di daerah yang dekat dengan sekolahnya tapi masih bisa pulang saat weekend. Jadinya sekarang lengkap sudah penghuni rumah di sini.

Keluarga gue mungkin bukanlah sebuah keluarga yang sempurna. Mungkin orang lain melihat keluarga gue sebagai sebuah keluarga yang patut diteladani dan yang mungkin saja bisa membuat iri orang lain dengan banyak hal yang dimiliki oleh keluarga gue. Mungkin seperti itu dikarenakan juga sosok bokap dan nyokap gue yang banyak dikenal orang dengan reputasi yang cukup baik.

Bagi orang lain, mereka menginginkan sebuah keluarga yang seperti keluarga gue. Rumput tetangga memang selalu lebih hijau, bukan? Namun pada dasarnya, keluarga gue juga sama seperti keluarga yang lain. Keluarga gue juga memiliki permasalahannya sendiri yang mungkin akan mengejutkan orang-orang yang mengira bahwa keluarga gue adalah sebuah keluarga yang sempunra. Tapi dibalik ketidaksempurnaan keluarga gue, sebisa mungkin anggotanya menghabiskan waktu bersama di setiap kesempatan.

Itu yang gue pikirkan beberapa tahun sebelumnya saat gue masih berada di perantauan. Dan itu yang membuat gue selalu tidak sabar menunggu Natal dan Tahun Baru tiba. Tapi nampaknya ada yang berubah selama hampir satu tahun belakangan ini. Gue merasa ada sesuatu yang hilang...

Sekolah Bontot diliburkan karena masa UAN, jadinya dia pulang ke rumah selama 2 minggu ini. Artinya, gue harus berbagi kamar dengan dia. Minggu pertama liburan sudah lewat dan memasuki minggu kedua, Bontot udah teriak bosan. Entah bosan karena keadaan rumah atau karena kurangnya hiburan di kota gue yang agak terpencil ini. Tapi gue rasa karena kedua alasan tersebut.

Bertahun-tahun yang lalu gue juga merasakan hal yang sama seperti yang dirasakan Bontot. Saat hari-hari pertama tiba di rumah, rasanya exciting banget sekaligus bisa melepas rindu dengan anggota keluarga yang lain. Tapi lama kelamaan mulai merasa bosan dan bahkan kangen dengan kamar kost gue yang meskipun mungil tapi terasa nyaman. Seolah-olah gue memiliki dua rumah; rumah keluarga gue dan kamar kost gue.

Saat Bontot berteriak bosan, gue seperti tersadarkan bahwa gue juga belakangan ini mulai merasa bosan di rumah. Sama seperti Bontot, alasan gue juga bisa jadi karena keadaan rumah dan kurangnya hiburan. Kalau dulu gue masih bisa kembali ke rumah kedua gue, tapi tidak dengan sekarang. Dan meskipun gue dikelilingi oleh keluarga gue, gue tetap masih merasa ada sesuatu yang hilang... sesuatu yang sulit dijelaskan.

Nut dan Kopi pernah bilang itu karena gue masih beradaptasi dengan lingkungan dan karena gue belum tinggal bareng keluarga. Katanya nanti juga perasaan itu akan hilang dengan sendirinya dan gue akan bisa menikmati kehidupan yang dekat dengan keluarga gue. Well, gue berharap mereka benar. Semoga ini hanya perasaan sesaat yang tidak perlu gue khawatirkan, yang nantinya akan hilang dengan sendirinya. Semoga saja...

Miss You, Gran

Jika ditanyakan siapa figur yang paling dekat dengan gue, maka gue akan menjawab bahwa figur yang paling dekat dengan gue adalah Oma. Bagaimana tidak? Satu hari semenjak gue keluar dari rumah sakit sebagai seorang bayi mungil nan imut, gue sudah tinggal di rumah Oma dan dirawat oleh Oma sendiri karena, mau tidak mau, Mama dan Papa sibuk membanting tulang dan mencari nafkah. Jadi tidak heran jika Oma memiliki peran yang sangat penting dalam hidup gue.

Sebagai orang tua-tua yang lahir di zaman dulu sekali dan masih sempat merasakan penderitaan akibat penjajahan, Oma mendidik gue dengan cara ke-Belanda-belandaan yang terkenal dengan peraturan-peraturan yang ketat, seketat spandex (iya, jayus deh lo Rae!) Eh, tapi serius lho. Dulu itu Oma membuat peraturan yang harus selalu gue patuhi. Kalau tidak dipatuhi, dijamin gue pasti akan kena jewer. Misalnya kalau pagi sebelum berangkat sekolah harus sarapan dulu. Sarapan pagi itu biasanya, maksud gue selalu, menunya bubur dan telur rebus dan segelas teh manis. Kadang kalau belum dapat uang belanja dari Mama, menunya hanya bubur dicampur kecap asin dan air putih hangat.

Sepulangnya dari sekolah harus segera ganti baju, cuci kaki dan tangan, lalu makan siang. Selesai makan harus tidur siang. Biasanya gue bandel  dan panjat jendela agar bisa bermain dengan teman-teman. Jika tengah bermain dan tiba-tiba mendengar teriakan Oma yang menggaung di sepanjang lorong, memanggil nama gue, “Raeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,” maka gue akan segera lari terbirit-birit menuju rumah karena itu artinya gue ketahuan kabur. Dan pastinya gue akan menemukan Oma yang sudah berada di depan pintu sambil memegang sapu ijuk. Adegannya berakhir dengan aksi Oma mengejar gue yang berlari mengelilingi rumah, dengan sapu ijuk yang diacung-acungkan. Sekarang kalau diingat-ingat, Oma tidak pernah berhasil memukul gue mungkin karena tidak tega juga atau karena tidak sanggup mengejar gue. Hehehe...

Namun di balik semua peraturan-peraturannya yang super ketat itu, gue sekarang menyadari betapa telatennya Oma dalam membesarkan cucunya yang bandel ini. Gue ingat bahwa Oma harus terjaga semalam suntuk jika gue sakit. Setiap sore sesudah mandi, Oma selalu rajin meminyaki rambut gue dengan minyak nyong nyong. Ya ya ya, gue tahu baunya tidak enak. Tapi hasilnya, sekarang gue memiliki rambut yang lebat, hitam dan lurus, yang pastinya selalu membuat teman-teman gue iri (sekalian pamer deh, hehehe.) Jika gue jatuh dan terluka, dengan sigap Oma menyiapkan obat tradisional andalannya, yaitu bawang merah dan gula pasir yang ditumbuk, kemudian mengoleskannya di luka. Rasanya perih minta ampun sehingga membuat gue menangis meraung-raung dan maunya digendong terus, padahal lukanya hanya sebesar biji semangka. Memalukan ya? Hihihi.

Memasuki SMP hingga kuliah, gue harus tinggal jauh dari Oma. Sebuah hal yang cukup sulit bagi gue sebenarnya. Ketika gue memasuki SMA, Oma terkena serangan stroke yang membuat sebagian tubuhnya lumpuh. Tapi, sekali lagi, yang membuat gue kagum adalah ketabahan dan keteguhan Oma dalam menjalani hidupnya. Oma tidak pernah mau menyerah pada penyakitnya. Itu salah satu pelajaran berharga yang gue dapatkan dari Oma, yaitu untuk tidak pernah menyerah. Pelajaran berharga lainnya mengajarkan untuk selalu rajin berdoa. Gue tahu bahwa Oma selalu mendoakan seluruh keluarganya setiap harinya.

Suatu hari di bulan Januari 2007, gue harus segera kembali ke Jakarta untuk melanjutkan kuliah. Hari itu gue memeluk Oma erat-erat sebelum berangkat dan seketika pecahlah tangis Oma. Itu pertama kalinya Oma menangis ketika melihat gue harus kembali ke Jakarta. Hati gue sedih harus meninggalkan Oma selama satu tahun penuh. Ingin rasanya gue membatalkan kepergian gue barang sehari saja jika seandainya gue tahu bahwa itu terakhir kalinya gue melihat Oma. Di bulan Juli Mama mengabarkan bahwa Oma telah pergi untuk selamanya.

Ada rasa sesal bahwa gue tidak sempat membalas budi kepada Oma. Menyesal rasanya gue tidak berada di sisi Oma ketika Oma sakit. Rasanya masih sulit dipercaya bahwa sekarang Oma telah tiada, bahkan setelah hampir 4 tahun sesudah kepergian beliau. Sering gue berandai-andai; andaikan Oma masih hidup, pasti gue bisa membawanya jalan-jalan dengan uang hasil keringat sendiri atau membelikan Oma Alkitab bergambar kesukaannya. Seandainya Oma masih hidup, maka Oma-lah orang pertama dan mungkin satu-satunya dalam keluarga yang akan mendengar gue coming out. Dan masih banyak andai-andai lainnya.

Dulu, jika gue kangen maka gue tinggal menghubungi Oma dan berbicara melalui telepon dan di setiap penghujung tahun gue pasti bisa bertemu Oma lagi. Tapi sekarang tidak lagi bahkan jika gue kangen berat sekalipun. Gue tidak bisa lagi mendengar suara Oma atau bertemu Oma. Tidak ada lagi yang akan mengobati ketika gue jatuh dan terluka. Kini yang bisa gue lakukan hanyalah menuliskan kenangan-kenangan tentang Oma untuk mengobati rasa rindu gue.

Gue tahu gue beruntung karena pernah memiliki seorang Oma yang paling hebat sejagad raya. Dan gue berterima kasih untuk pelajaran-pelajaran berharga dan nasihat-nasihat yang beliau berikan sehingga menjadikan gue seperti gue yang sekarang ini. I miss you, Gran. I do really miss you...

Dad, sometimes you are so... unpredictable

Gue membaca sebuah tulisan yang menarik, yang di-posting oleh seorang bloger yang blognya gue subscribe. Tulisannya tentang bokapnya yang nge-add dia di Facebook dan membuat dia, as I quote, "weirded out". Ya iyalah, rasanya memang agak aneh kalau ada orang tua di friend list FB.

Nah, blogernya nyeritain gimana anehnya ketika dia menerima friend request dari bokapnya, padahal mereka juga setiap hari ketemu dan hubungan mereka di dunia nyata juga cukup dekat. Lantas gimana rasanya "berteman" dengan bokapnya di dunia maya? Well, ternyata bokapnya orangnya cukup "cool". Good for him.

Membaca tulisan si bloger, gue jadi berpikir soal hubungan Papa dengan ketiga anaknya. Papa pernah meminta Bontot untuk membuatkan account FB. FB-nya udah jadi dan gue menerima friend request dari Papa (atau Bontot, karena dia yang bikin account-nya.) Gue ingat sebelum gue klik "Accept", gue sempat melihat-lihat kembali postingan di wall gue. Takut ada yang aneh-aneh, hihihi. Udah selesai bersih-bersih, gue "terima" permintaan teman Papa. And now there he is on my friend list. (Anyway, gue ngomongin FB asli lho ya.) Begitu juga dengan dua adik gue, di friend list mereka ada Papa.

Hubungan Papa dengan anak-anaknya bisa dikatakan "kurang dekat". Gue pernah ceritain soal itu di sebuah artikel Sepoci Kopi. Gue males ceritain lagi deh, heheh. Sekarang, setelah kembali tinggal di bawah satu atap, interaksi gue dengan Papa hanya sekedar urusan kerjaan... no deep and emotional conversation. Kesannya Papa selalu sibuk sendiri dengan urusannya sendiri. Dan hubungan di dunia maya juga gak ada bedanya. Sama sekali tidak ada interaksi melalui FB. Jadi, mau di dunia nyata maupun dunia maya, hubungan Papa dengan anak-anaknya tidak dekat.

Pernah sekali Papa bertanya siapa teman-temannya di FB nya Bontot. Dan itu mengindikasikan bahwa kemungkinan besar Papa tidak hanya membuka profil FB Bontot, tapi juga profil gue dan adik gue yang satu lagi. Tapi ya, banyakan manusia-manusia yang enggak gue kenal juga sih di FB gue itu. So, no problemo. But still... no interaction. The point is, tidak ada satu pun dari ketiga anaknya yang dekat dengan Papa.

Seperti yang gue bilang di judul di atas, Papa itu memang terkadang unpredictable. Maksudnya, kadang dia bersikap dingin tapi kadang juga sikapnya bersahabat, misalnya dengan melontarkan lelucon saat sedang kumpul keluarga. Seperti kejadian beberapa hari yang lalu, malam itu gue sedang duduk di kursi sambil menghadap laptop. Papa tiba-tiba datang dengan membawa sebuah botol kecil yang ternyata isinya vitamin rambut. Papa bilang, "Ci, coba pakai ini deh." Terus Papa langsung netesin vitaminnya ke rambut gue. Di situ ada adik gue yang tengah, dan Papa juga melakukan hal yang sama ke dia.

Cukup mengejutkan bukan? Papa yang biasanya sibuk sendiri, tiba-tiba peduli dengan rambut gue dan adik gue. Ketika gue melihat Papa meneteskan vitamin rambutnya di kepala adik gue, gue melihat sebuah pemandangan yang... apa ya kata yang tepat? Sebuah pemandangan yang... janggal. Yep, "janggal" adalah kata yang tepat.

Beda banget dengan Mama yang rasanya selalu bisa menunjukkan rasa sayangnya melalui tindakan nyata, seperti misalnya mencium pipi gue dan adik-adik gue. Kadang juga di malam hari di saat gue seperti sedang tidur lelap, Mama suka membelai kepala gue. Sementara Papa, yah, palingan hanya di saat-saat tertentu saja, seperti misalnya saat memberikan ucapan selamat ulang tahun, anak-anaknya biasanya memberikan salemat sambil mencium kedua pipinya. Makanya gue bilang janggal karena jarang banget, enggak pernah malah, Papa bisa tiba-tiba peduli dengan rambut anak-anaknya, padahal biasanya juga Papa kelihatan tidak peduli.

Tapi ya, though it looked awkward, it was kind of sweet, actually :). Somehow it shows that he cares for us and the most important thing is that he loves us. We love you too, Dad :). I must admit that it's easier to write it here than to say it directly to him. Besides, there are certain things that is easy to feel but harder to say, right?

I am sure that Dad feels the same. He loves us, only he never had the courage to say it. It'll be awkward, anyway, for the four of us. So, I'd prefer him to stay unpredictable because it's a precious moment for me as it rarely happen when he actually act on what he feels toward us. 

Drink and Drunk

Dua hari yang lalu, gue dan sekeluarga memutuskan untuk makan malam bareng di restorannya teman Papa. Begitu tiba di tempat tujuan, ternyata restorannya penuh banget sama pengunjung yang kelaparan sekaligus nonton bareng Final Piala AFF.

Setelah menuggu cukup lama, akhirnya dapat meja. Langsung order, and guess what? Makanan juga pada banyak sudah sold out. Gah -.-" Terpaksa cuma pesan sirloin steak  - medium cooked, karena tenderloin steak pada sold out.

Selesai makan, ngobrol bareng dengan temannya Papa sambil ditraktir bir. Pas banget deh dengan udara yang malam itu cukup dingin dan ditambah lagi kita duduknya di area restoran yang terbuka dengan pemandangan laut. Pesan satu pitcher bir dan lima gelas. Ternyata adik gue yang bontot juga kebagian jatah. Hahaha. Kata Papa, "ayo, kamu harus minum birnya", dan Mama menambahkan "iya, kamu kan laki-laki, jadi harus bisa minum bir."

Hueeeee??? What the??? Jadi kalau laki gak bisa minum, banci dong??? Hahahahaha. Akhirnya karena mengaku sebagai anak laki-laki yang paling bungsu, adik gue nyicip sedikit bir yang dituang di gelasnya. Tapi rupanya dia minum cukup banyak untuk ukuran pemula, karena beberapa menit kemudian dia mulai merasa gerah. Katanya ke gue, "Cie, kok panas sih? Panasnya dari dada sampe ke kuping." Ahahahaha, kamu harus sering-sering gaul sama kakakmu ini ya, dek :p.

Pada akhirnya, belum habis pitcher yang pertama, adik gue itu sudah menundukkan kepalanya di atas meja. Hihihi...padahal minumnya juga cuma seteguk dua teguk :p. Setelah pitcher yang ketiga, segelas martini buat gue (dibagi berdua sama Papa), tiga piring kentang goreng, dan sepiring chicken crispy, Mama ngajak pulang. Puaaassss deh minumnya sampai kebelet pipis melulu. Hihihi.

Ps. Happy New Year, everyone!!!! Cheers!!! ^.^

The Best Easter

Happy Easter! :)

Hari ini kembali saya mengunjungi Trans Studio. Tenang. Kali ini saya tidak datang bersama dua makhluk yang sempat membuat saya naik jin. Teman-teman boleh bilang saya ini masokis. Makin disiksa makin senang hehe. Tapi saya juga ogah kalau sampai harus disiksa untuk kedua kalinya oleh dua makhluk itu, biarpun bonus saya bakal disunat! Ya, sudah saya ikhlaskan juga sih sebenarnya. Hitung-hitung saya sedang beramal dan melatih self control =P

Anyway, kali ini saya mengunjungi Trans Studio bersama keluarga saya. Jarang-jarang bisa berkumpul bersama membuat kami memutuskan untuk jalan-jalan. Maka selesai gereja, tak lupa juga makan telur Paskah, kami meluncur ke Trans Studio. 

Rasanya seperti kembali menjadi anak kecil ketika melihat semua wahana yang ada. Saya jadi malu sendiri kalau mengingat ulah saya, adik saya, dan keponakan saya tadi. Semua wahana kami coba. Mulai dari yang memacu adrenalin sampai wahana untuk anak kecil, seperti carousel, komidi putar dan kereta-keretaan mini (bener-bener nggak pantas sama umur hehehe). Tapi benar-benar seru loh, saudara-saudara!

Selain mencoba semua wahana, kami juga sempat menonton karnaval lampu hias yang disuguhkan pihak Trans Studio untuk para pengunjung dan menonton acara meet and greet bersama para pemeran dalam film layar lebar berjudul Dilema Cinta 2 Hati (kalau saya tidak salah ingat). Itu loh, yang salah satu pemerannya Afgan. Ya, jujur saja saya belum menonton filmnya. Tidak tahu juga apa saya akan menonton. Selain Afgan, hadir juga dua artis cantik (lumayan buat cuci mata hihihi) yang saya lupa namanya. Bukan lupa, tapi tidak tahu! Yang penting sudah sempat melihat secara langsung (norak deh!)

Seharian bermain ternyata lumayan menguras tenaga dan suara. Maklum, wahana-wahana yang saya coba kebanyakan harus membuat saya berteriak. Dan malamnya saya harus menjemput sahabat saya yang sengaja datang mengunjungi saya sebelum dia pindah ke Singapura. Sebenarnya saya menulis ini sambil menunggu pesawat yang membawa sahabat saya itu tiba (lama banget!) But it's worth waiting even for all night long! :) Palingan di kantor merem terus saking ngantuknya hehehe. 

Ah, lengkaplah sudah kebahagiaan saya di hari Paskah ini :)