Only for tonight I am heart broken

Do you know, that my dream when I was a little was to become an astronaut? It sounds cliche, I know, but I really wanted to be an astronaut. For some reason I fancied the profession. I fancied the space, galaxies, stars, planets, space travel, spaceships, space suits. If I were ever to be an astronaut, I'd definitely look bulky in space suit, but cool at the same time. When I look at all of those pictures in a book, I used to imagine how would it feel to be in space, floating. I imagined that the view would be breathtaking. And quiet. It must be eerily quiet in space and I like it. 

But little did little Rae know that in order to be an astronaut she must study science. She must love science. Unfortunately, as she grew up and started high school she found out that she hated science. Her brain didn't work well for science, and oh my god she hated Math. But she needed to graduate high school, so she made a truce with science and get along with it although she suffered her entire high school life. She made it, of course. Through high school. She graduated with average grades in science. It wasn't bad but clearly it wasn't enough for her to pursue her dream to be an astronaut.

Now, the grown up Rae has to be happy enough with being an accountant as a lifetime career. 

I do still fancy everything about space, mind you. I feel calm just by picturing space in my head. I can actually feel the quietness and it's kind of therapeutic. More to it, I find . . . peace. Just awhile ago I was in space, floating. (Not literally, of course.) I have this favorite spot in space and it's between Earth and Mars. Closer to Earth that I still can see it but floating on the way to Mars. You know, the distance between Earth and Mars is 225,300,000 km long, and it can take you months or even years to travel to and from Mars. The distance is constantly changing, though, as both planets travel around the sun. So I don't want to float too far just in case I get lost and can't get back to Earth.

It has become my thing, you know. Whenever I feel sad or lonely, I'll happily visit my favorite spot and stay there for a few minutes. Like today. Today is Labour's Day and it's a public holiday. I'm dying to have a day off because I really need some rest. Hence, I called in sick and didn't go to work. I know I need the money but dear goodness it's just one day of rest. Supposedly I enjoyed it. But this morning, I woke up at 9 and there was one message from Chris, my brother. He sent me a photo of Dad and the woman he cheated on Mum with, and some family friends. The photo was taken recently. Just a few days old. I remember Mum told me that some people saw them together about last week. But the news didn't sink in me until now because I was too busy thinking about study (but never actually did.)

When I saw the photo I was . . . I felt betrayed. At first I couldn't recognise them, except for Dad and the woman. So I asked Chris who are they and he told me. Instantly I was in rage as I found out who are the people in the photo. It's a family and I know them from Church. They are a well known family in Church. Hell, they are a religious family from what I know. Yet, there they were, posing for a picture with Dad and the bloody woman who tore my family apart. How could they do this to Mum? To us? Within a few clicks I found the daughter in the photo on Facebook. I was a click away to send her a hatred message. But I counted to ten and closed the application and then I cried. I prayed, and it's something that I rarely do, while crying. I don't know what I prayed about, really.

I never intended to be such a labile bitch with emotion like a roller-coaster. Just about last night I was feeling so good and happy and determined. And tonight I'm feeling . . . heart broken. I tried to forget about the photo and distracted myself with reading course guides, making a study plan on the planner, then watched a couple of movies. I took a few hours nap in the afternoon then woke up and did my laundry. I ate and showered, watched another movie. Then everything started sinking in after that. I cried again. All of a sudden the dam broke loose. I think I'm too heart broken to keep my tears from falling. Besides, it's been a while since I cried.   

Just for tonight, I promise myself. Just for tonight I don't want to be tough. Tonight I don't have to have my tough face on. Right now I don't have to be a superwoman. Only for tonight I'm letting myself broken. And only for tonight I let myself floating in space until I fall asleep. Because tomorrow, when I wake up, is a brand new day and I will leave this behind (doesn't mean I will ever forgive them). Because starting tomorrow I will have to focus back on uni and follow the study plan I've created. And there's also work.

It's only for tonight I stay in the sanctuary of my favorite spot in space, and I'll be back to my true self in the morning . . . .

Until next post.