Today I look pretty

Do you ever have the feeling that some random people you meet in the street are staring at you, directly in your eyes? It happened to me this morning. As soon as I got out of the house, I walked pass by some guy and he looked at me right in the face. It happened again when I sat on the tram, the two girls sitting across my seat were staring at me. One of them even maintained an eye contact for a good ten seconds before I break it and look away. It was just terribly awkward.

By the third time it happened, this time it was some middle-aged man, I started feeling that there might be something funny in my face. Maybe my eyeliner smeared or I did my eyebrows unevenly. So as soon as I got to work I asked Iris if there's something strange in my face. She said no. And then she took a look at me and noticed something. Did you put on make up today? Uh, I always put on make up. Oh, wait! You did your eyebrows, didn't you? Oh, right. I don't usually do my eyebrows but this morning I just kinda did. Because I got a new eyebrow pencil and wanted to try it out (there was discount on make ups in Chemist Warehouse). And because I kinda had to.

You look different today. Actually, you look nicer. Pretty!, she went on. That made me blush. A little bit. I mean, I rarely do my eyebrows because I suck at shaping it using eyebrow pencil. Some people use brush but that's even harder for me. I just suck at it. But this morning I had to shape it with the new pencil because I pluck a little too many when I tweeze my eyebrows yesterday. Lesson learned: never pluck eyebrows at night, after almost 11 hours of work during the day. So maybe I got the stare because I looked nice with my eyebrows shaped this morning. Hmmm. 

The reason why I blog this is, because I feel good about myself. You know, it's like I achieved something. When I shaped my eyebrows, I didn't think that I did it perfectly. I didn't think that it would make my face look different. So I took Iris's comment as a compliment. To be honest, I rarely take compliments because I always feel like I'm not good enough for anything. When I'm being told that I look pretty, I feel ugly. When people say my English is really good, I feel like I have zero vocabulary in English. I often feel like people are just being nice and polite when they compliment me about something. When it comes to something that I know I'm supposed to be good at, I won't have the courage to believe that I'm really good at it. I always be like, oh I'm not good at it so I'll just let someone else does it. By the time I realise I could have done it better than anybody else, I already miss the opportunity.

For almost twenty-seven years of my life, I've been absorbing every negativity being thrown at me that at some point I start to believe that I am nothing but a useless human being. Unfortunately, it started in the family (Dad did it intentionally, and Mum, well, she might not realise it but it did affect me), then among friends and peers. But today I learned about self-appreciate by taking compliments and to bounce off all the negativity. I do make mistakes. I've acted bad in the past. I hurt people, even the ones I love the most. But it doesn't mean I am to be judged by only that. Being told off only about the negativity, to be constantly reminded about what I did wrong or that I'm never good enough, is something that I have to avoid. Surely, I can't prevent it but I can also stand against it. And it's by removing myself from the equation.

I know this might make me sound like a hypocrite because I judge my dad from his wrongdoings and I still can't forgive him. But I am no him. (I'm not going to talk about him, anyway, and am about to close this entry.)

I'm already damaged. Mentally. But not broken. That's the point; that I still can be fixed and it has to come from myself. All I need to do is to appreciate myself more, to reward myself when I achieve something, even if it's only teeny tiny little thing. Another thing is to always remember when I achieve something, it's because I deserve it, for all the effort I put into it. And when people say something good about me, it's because they see the good things in me (and just bounce off all the bad things said that is not a critique). These all are actually part of my New Year's resolutions. It's a good thing I'm doing it now. 

So, in order to celebrate this little achievement, I should probably buy a new make up kit. Agreed?

Until next post.