It's 3:05 AM now. I worked late today and am exhausted, yet I can't fall asleep. I close my eyelids, trying so hard to be able to sleep but my mind just keep racing. At another time, I'd blame it for being too tired. But not this time.
I'd likely to say "I'm fine" when I'm being asked how am I doing. I've been saying it a lot lately. But the truth is I tell people I'm fine because I want to believe that I am fine, that I will be just fine, when I'm actually not fine. That, or either simply I'm just avoiding people. I don't want them to feel pity about me if I tell them the truth. It's silly, I know. But I just can't help it.
It's never been easy for me to admit that I'm not okay, simply because I don't want to feel not fine. I'm fighting this feeling so hard because I want everything to be fine. And this is what happens: I'm wide awake in the middle of the night.
Somehow, things can get out of control. They're getting bigger and bigger, they keep slipping out of my hands. That's when I am not fine.
I am not fine.
I'm alone, exhausted, scared, confused, and feeling hopeless. I cry a lot. I've been having this miserable feeling and I am not fine.
I am not fine.
I am just not fine.
And I'm admitting that I feel not fine, and I do need help. It's just that I'm not allowing anybody to help me.
2 comments:
nggak semua orang yang berusaha deketin lo dan mau bantu lo karna merasa kasihan sama lo. :) belajar buat percaya sama orang dan diri lo sendiri. :)
semoga semua baik-baik aja dalam artian bener-bener baik rae. *hugs
kalau kata pepatah yang entah gue lupa denger dari mana sih..kalau elo merasa elo uda bener-bener di ujung tali dan merasa ga ada harapan, maka jalan satu-satunya yah bikin simpul dan bertahan :)
Dan sama kaya pengalaman gue dulu, ketika gue merasa dua jatuh banget sampe ke bawah dan uda ga bisa ke bawah lagi maka satu-satunya jalan yah mau ga mau membal ^^V
Lagian yah coba deh baca blog elo lagi, ada 1 blog yang bener-bener jadi sumber inspirasi gue yang soal elo cerita pengalaman elo yang soal married, etc, elo bilang kalau elo itu lebam-lebam etc tapi elo survive...jadi apa bedanya kali ini?? I know you can do it, it just the matter of time aja kok :) Anyway...feel free to b ug me anytime if u need someone coz I dun really like the way u put lonely heheh masi ada gue kopi dan tentunya temen-temen elo yg elo cerita di blog sebelumnya :)
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