What is Yoga For Me

I found a new hobby. It's yoga. My very first introduction with yoga was in May, and ever since I have begun to practice yoga daily. Well, I always try to practice daily but on some very, very cold days during winter it was nearly impossible to get up and get on the mat. Thank goodness winter is almost over and Spring is just around the corner!

Now, three months into yoga, it has become more than just a hobby. When I first started, it was just an exercise as it helps toning my muscles and keeps my body in shape and healthy. However, gradually it is becoming a lifestyle. Spiritually speaking, yoga teaches me balance, flexibility, strength appreciation, acceptance, letting go and surrender. Often times, during the practice, I would wander why I couldn't be that flexible like the other yogis. Then I would push myself harder and deeper into the pose until I realise that I just can't, yet. So I learn to appreciate my body and listen to what it says. But more importantly, yoga teaches me how to be me and I am forever grateful to be introduced to it.

What I love the most about yoga is the various experience it has given me. One day, I came to a class of one of my favorite yoga teachers. She's a good teacher and I love the way she teaches and the music she plays during her class. Towards the end of the class, after a very intense and much faster flow we get to hold poses slightly longer and the flow had become slower, I was so caught up with my own practice, with her thoughtful words and the beautiful music, my tears just rolled down my face.

On another days, my practice took me to the feeling of agitation, anger and upset I just couldn't help but wish that the class would end soon. But through all that, I learn to accept whatever feelings that occur during the practice and move on. I have cried, laughed, fallen down on the mat, but never farted, yet, I have felt like I want to punch the instructor for making me twist, going up and down for so many times, and that's just the beauty of my practice.

Three months into practicing yoga is not a long time, I am not sure if I could call myself a yogi! Well, maybe I could call myself a newbie yogi. I still have a very long way to go and many things to learn. As of now, I am still trying to understand the "oneness" in yoga. That is, I realise, is a lifetime learning process. It is a process of going from a human being doing yoga to a human being yoga. Until then, it is all about getting my bum on the mat every day.

Until next post.

The Little Pilgrimage

How's everyone doing? I hope life is treating you all well. Even if you feel like life is being a bitch, well, do still enjoy it not any less than you should.

I have just been back in Melbourne after spending 4 weeks in Indonesia, visiting my family. Three years not going back was indeed quite a long time. The house where I grew out seemed older than what I remembered and the town seemed smaller. The people, however, seemed to stay the same. Or in my case, I have changed so much since I left the town.

Travelling back home, as I have mentioned before, was indeed a little pilgrimage I needed. Revisiting the town, the people, the family and the life I have left behind made me realise that I am so much in a better state of mind, and mental. I can tell it from the way I handled my feelings when I saw everything that had happened in the past all over again and it didn't bother me as it used to. The pain and the hurt feelings that were once rooted so deep inside me, have slowly dissipated. Yes, at this time, I think it is a pity of what had happened to my parents and my family. But it's no longer leaving a trail of bitter feelings that making me blame the situation.

As my intention of the trip was to let go of my past, indeed I have come to let go of many things of my past and it include the people who I had once a relationship with; relatives and friends. I reckon it was not meant to happen at that time because my intention was to let go of my past after all. I have also learned to detach myself from it and accept it as part of me, as I realised it now that I can never change the past and I should not live in it any longer. It's always there and it stays where it should be.

There is a quote that fits perfectly with my experience. It says, "...we don't transcend our lives; we return to the life we left behind in the hopes of something better." I did find something better from my trip home; I found myself.

Now, I have returned to my life in Melbourne and continue doing what I have been doing. Only this time around, I am heading for a new beginning. It starts from me looking for a new place and looking for jobs, still. I have applied for an apartment and hopefully I get it. Fingers crossed that I could also get the job I applied for. This time, I got a referral from the inside, which is an employee of the company. We'll see how it turns out. In the meantime, I'm just waiting and keep doing what I can for now. I have set my intentions out, said it out loud and prayed for it. Now I'm just letting it all works out, letting the universe works its way.

Until next post.

Finding the Divine

Yesterday I had the day off of work, just as what I needed after coming back from a retreat at a camp in Wesburn. I spent most of the day contemplating over my life -- the life that I have never mentioned explicitly -- and vacillating whether or not should I write what I have come up.

I decided to write my story.

To begin the story, I have to take you a few years back of my life; the part that I have never written on here openly. In 2012, my parents were separated. It was an end result of a long battle that last since 2010 and it include screams, fist punches and flying plates. I made up the latter, for the lack of metaphor but it was, no doubt, a soul-and-emotional-draining situation for all of us.

The separation tore the family apart and it broke the relationship between the father and the children. I haven't spoken to my dad ever since up until this moment. Following the separation was never-ending law suits. We were broke, desperate, in despair, and hopeless. We were hurt and hurting each other. We had no one to call for help, until we hit the point where we could only turn to God for a little hope. Well, Mum did, followed by Chris. I don't know about Vincent, but I didn't. I hit the rock bottom of my life and I shut myself from any faith that I had, closed my eyes, deafened my ears, and numbed my heart.

In 2013, I decided to pack my bag and leave.

So, here I am, away from what I call "My Past." Everything that happened in Indonesia is what I include in My Past. I chose to leave and came to Australia, and haven't gone back ever since. I chose to pursue a master's degree even though it mean I had to work hard to pay half of the tuition and the living costs. I had to juggle between studying full time and working 2 or 3 jobs. It turned me into a dead-walking human, which I'd much preferred than feeling all the pain caused by My Past.

My first year was not easy. I was struggling a lot with the studies, work and family issues that seemed to haunt me still. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. Living alone in a foreign country, I had to trust my survival skill. I seek for help and landed in the Uni's counseling service for students. I was then in counseling for 3 months, battling with depression and anxiety. I found relieve and got my way out and crawled my way through the first year.

Halfway through the second year, thinking I was okay and healed, again the shove came to push and hit me to the ground. I was back in counseling for another 5 months. Thank goodness it was free service. I was again able to pushed myself out of the black hole and got back on my feet. The next thing I know, I graduated and received my Temporary Residence visa.

With no school and nothing else to do but work, I knew something was missing but I didn't know what it was. It led me to seeking for another achievement, which was the HIIT training. Speaking of which, I manged to keep the training going for 4 months. The training left me with a new lifestyle, which I happily keep until now. I became healthier and fitter, and as a bonus I gained toner muscles and have lost 7 kilos since I started the training in March. (Still need to lose a few more weights, especially in the belly department, though!)

Since I began training, I became friends with the manager at my workplace named Michelle. She was going through a lot of pain, too. Her life was literally in chaos. But she, too, got through the worse and is now back on her feet. Through her I found the piece hat was missing; the Divine.

Long story short, it then led me to finding my faith and be spiritual awaken. I see life differently. I begin to practice yoga and meditation daily to help me with my depression and anxiety. I deal with crisis in a non-destructive way. To be awaken, however, I learn that it is important to be healed from all the wounds and pain. I realised that all this time I covered my wounds and let them rooted deeply into my soul, and I pressed the painful emotions down to the bottom. I locked everything in a box and hid it away, never bothered to look it up.

I also learn that it is the time for me to move on and so I need to be healed. The healing is rocky-road and bumpy and more often than not is rough. I know that in order to be healed I have to uncover the wounds and feel the pain and sufferings. Since after my birthday, I have been in the healing process and, boy, I was an emotional wreck. I also happened to be in an ayahuasca ceremony; an unimaginable experience. I would tell more about it in separate post, as well as the more detailed version of my finding faith and healing journey.

The healing process is then taking me to the point where I have to face and revisit My Past again. Thus, I am traveling home for a couple of weeks after 3 years. This, I believe, is a little pilgrimage for me to make a closure with My Past and to welcome a new beginning. I am also looking forward to meet my little nephew, Gabriel.

Writing this is also part of my healing process. To be able to tell this part of my story and wanting to share it with my readers is the healing I needed. I am also hoping that this story would reach many people out there, who are struggling through hardships and stumble upon this blog and happen to read this. Just so you know, you are never alone.

More stories to come and I am trying super hard to be more committed in writing!

Love, light and blessings.

My Birthday Celebration

On Saturday the 30th I turned 29. Yes, I'm on the edge of the 20's, which terrifies me a little but also excites me at the same time. It terrifes me that I'm getting closer and closer to 30, but am also excited to find what life at the end of 20's would be for me.

My birthday this year was celebrated with four separate dinners with close friends on different days. I also received many gifts from them, which I thank them genuinely. They got me cakes and lit the candles and sang the birthday song to me. It was very thoughtful of them. Yet, what ignites the tears was the happiness of being surrounded by lovely people who I can now call family.

Turning 29 has also brought me an experience of a life-turning for me and I think this is the best gift I have ever received. It has opened up a new path in my life where I can no longer looking away from. In other words, the age 29 is where I hit my turning point and my life is about to change into a whole new joirney. There are lessons that come with the new life I am about to begin and learning is what I have to do. Learn, and learn until I pass the lessons.

This may sound sketchy to you, like, "Seriously, Rae, what in the world are you talking about?" Of course, I would love to share what is happening in my life right now, and I will. Because who knows, maybe any of you out there, who read this blog, are going through a similar journey and it'd be wonderful to know that you are not alone. For  now, I do still need time to process the whole new things of how my life is turning 180 degrees from what it was. Sharing I will for when I am ready.

Until next post.

Temporary Resident and the End of the Pre-training

I know I should have posted this sooner, but I just couldn't make the time. Well, I am now officially a temporary resident in Australia for two years ahead. I got my visa approved a week ago or so and was quite jolly about it.

So what now?

I'm starting updating my resume and looking for jobs obviously. I don't deny it that since I have been working at the same place for as long as I'm here, meaning almost 3 years, it is rather hard to start looking for jobs again. It's hard to leave the place that I've grown accustomed to. I have unconciously created a comfort zone in that place, I feel like I'm wrapped in a bubble when looking for another jobs and I feel insecure stepping out of the comfort zone. That's the one reason why I have been procrastinating, really.

It's funny because coming to Melbourne, living all by myself, was actually me stepping out of my comfort zone. Now, after almost three years I feel comfortable enough to want to stay and live here, I lure myself into another comfort zone. This has to come to an end because I have obligations to myself and my family, therefore I have to force myself to put things into actions.

Another update is regarding the training I've been doing. Today I completed the first 4 weeks of pre-training! I'm so proud because I could stick to it for four weeks. On the contrary to my jobs searching business, I was able to force myself to do this training. It's not easy, I have to say, to force myself to wake up one or two hours earlier, kick the blanket and get off the bed to exercise. Not to mention the weather is getting cooler. But I can say that I'm committed to complete the training and so far I'm beginning to see the result. This is also confirmed by my friends who have been a great support that they're seeing the result on me.

I've lost 2 kilos (this, of course, is followed by clean eating) even before I completed the pre-training and my muscles have grown a bit. Not only that, I also feel healthier, my skin is glowing and I am more confident. It has nothing to do with my body weight because exercising itself releases endorphin that make me feel good, hence the increased confidence. Surely, I'm still far from my goal (yes, my goal is to get those muscles built, though I'm not aiming for it to be too bulky), however appreciating my hard work is equally important. I've also become stronger. Mind you, I started with zero fitness level that made the first two weeks feel like a torture. I do still sore after the exercise but it's not as painful as before. I'm just glad that it's all so worth it. After four weeks, it has now become a morning routine for me to exercise and I'm always looking forward to it; to the exercise and to the pain. I'm not being a masochist, but I swear the pain and soreness make me feel good, too!

The only side effect is it messed up my period cycle from 29 days to 36 days. Meaning, I was 7 days late, until I got my period today. But that's considered normal because my body is adjusting to the recent changes. So, it's nothing to worry about. Besides, I know my body and have noticed that my cycle changes when my body weight drastically changes. Other than that, I got nothing else to complain.

This coming week I'm getting into the 12 weeks resistance training and am quite hopeful to get through it. It starts tomorrow and it starts with a leg day. Well, wish me luck, people!

Until next post!